Breach of Warranty

Good Night, Ladies, Part II

2007-09-17T22:27:00.000-04:00

This should be my last post. My infertility journey has come to an end. David has sent me divorce papers. I got a call from Fed Ex - he forwarded them to the wrong address. He has never been to my apartment in New City and addressed the package incorrectly. Maybe it is just his way of putting off the inevitable. I have tried to do the same thing. I have yet to visit an attorney, I have made no move to finally slam the door shut, but it has.

Maybe in some ways infertility and separation are similar. They both isolate you from your friends and are totally difficult to make others understand. They are both characterized by feelings of failure and loss. They both leave you feeling drained.

On the positive side, I have found a real sense of freedom. People have told me that I am brave and strong. I don't know about that. I just know that I have been through the darkest period of my life, a time of great pain, sickness, depression and anger and I am here on the other side.

There have been times when I have strolled down the street on a Sunday afternoon and thought this should be our family time - time for our little family to be together. Times when I have heard a sad song about pleading and love and have felt my eyes begin to fill. There are times when we talk about the end of us and it breaks my heart.

And yet, I come and go and don't seek approval. I don't cower, I don't fear the weight of someone else misery. I am not constantly waiting for the next fight, the next disappointment, the next apology . . . There is an easiness about life now. I have given up everything from my home, to my career, spouse. My whole life has shifted and I feel alright. A little bruised and blooded but better, stronger and at greater peace than I've had in years.

I think I have just another post or two left. I know it should be my last post but I want to address my feelings about infertility and the ever growing possibility that at age 37, gyno problems galore and at the end of my marriage, children of my own are an unlikely possibility at best. Well - I have to address that, after all, wasn't that what this blog was really all about?

Good Night, Ladies

2007-04-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

After having been away for so long, it's kinda hard to know where to begin. Some may recall that I removed my last post about our very sad failed attempt at an ET. A few may even remember that my husband and I fought the day before our scheduled ET and he refused to accompany me to the procedure the next day. My doctor was kind enough to postpone the ET but David and I were unable to resolved our problems. Hurt and weary, I left my home and fled the country. I went away to visit my parents. While out of the country, I learned that our embroyos never made it to freeze. After all of the drugs and the tears and the hope and the pain, it had been a complete and utter waste.

Of course, how long can one hide from the world and their problems? After much love and TLC, I returned to the States and David and I attempted to rebuild our fragile relationship. Sadly, the counselor, the prayers and heart to hearts didn't work. I simply could not continue. We contemplated separation in September. I put the house on the market in November, David moved out soon after Thanksgiving and before the New Year the house had been sold. I was offered a position with a new company in another city and relocated in mid-January. I have officially begun a new life.

David and I still call each other. Sometimes those calls leave me filled with sadness, but somehow without regret. I have decided to begin again without the bags that were weighing me down, somewhat tired but tougher and stronger for having been through so much.

Marriage Meltdown

2006-07-20T15:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all of your expressions of concern. Nope, I wasn't hit by a bus on the way to transfer, not literally anyhow.

On Tuesday night, David and I had a total marriage meltdown - the day before the transfer. We yelled, we argued, I shoved. He expressed concern about my feelings for his son and how he'd be affected by our offspring. He panicked. He told me to either do the transfer or not but he wouldn't be there. We stopped speaking. I felt completely abandoned and I didn't know what to do.

I called Ginormous on the morning of the transfer and told Dr. L what was happening. Should we contemplate having a child, while possibly, simultaneously, contemplating divorce? I cried. Dr. L said that we had 2 pretty good embryos, an ok one and a not-so-good one. He offered us the option of doing a day 4 transfer and the option of speaking with one of their counselors. I accepted on both counts. I spoke with the counselor for a while, with no resolution. I spoke with my therapist and my best friend and got some advice. I confronted David on Wednesday evening, with the hope of brokering a compromise to get us to transfer. Despite my attempt at a resolution, he had nothing to say about the embryos, no questions about whether I had gone through with the transfer and continued ignoring me. At that point, I knew it was over.

Supernurse called me on Thursday morning to confirm that we were proceeding with the day 4 transfer. I told her that I'd decided to cancel and asked that the embryos be frozen. I broke down and wept. Dr. L called later that day and he said that I'd probably made the right decision, given the circumstances. He also mentioned that if the embryos didn't make it to blast/freeze, they probably wouldn't have successfully implanted and made it to term. He said that he would have suggested transferring 3 of the 4 embryos - as our best chance of success. He expressed regret about the cycle, given all of the difficulty we'd had. He mentioned that years ago another couple he'd been treating cancelled on the day before transfer. I asked if they'd ever returned for treatment and he said they never had.

I was both furious and heartbroken. With a brief email informing David of my departure, I flew out of the country on Saturday morning and am currently visiting my parents. (My parents' internet access has been down until today.) My parents have given me their full and unconditional love and support. Since I've been down here, David has called. He initially expressed anger about my unannounced and abrupt departure but ultimately expressed his hope that I return and that we try to work things out. I return to the States on Saturday. I am still sad, angry, hurt and raw. I think this offense is almost unforgivable, especially since he's been encouraging me to get treatments and he convinced me to proceed with this cycle, despite my reservations. I don't know what we'll do or how I want to proceed. Divorce is a sad option but where do we go from here? Counseling? How long am I willing to wait?

Lastly, I received my final fert report on Monday morning - none of the embryos made it to freeze.

An Awesome Foursome

2006-07-10T16:24:00.000-04:00

Supernurse called me around 2:00pm today and informed me that of our six eggs, 5 were mature and 4 embryos continue to develop today. She will call again tomorrow with our updated fertilization report and instructions about the Day 3 transfer. It's amazing to think that we have four potential lives growing in a lab. The wonder of it humbles me.

Six

2006-07-09T20:12:00.000-04:00

Today's egg retrieval went pretty well. We arrived at Ginormous at 6am. The nurse checked my id and led us to the procedures area. We were taken to the first bed station and I was asked to undress and slip on a lovely hospital gown. An IV was started, questions were asked, information about the procedure, ET, and meds were passed along. Then I was told to empty my bladder and was led to the OR. David was taken to a separate waiting area and subsequently asked to produce his sample.

Ours was the first retrieval this morning and proceeded without incident. One moment I was being seated in the OR and the next I was being awakened in our little station. I was told that Dr. T had retrieved six eggs and that I will receive our first fertilization report tomorrow around lunchtime. Dr. L mentioned that, if all goes well, he is leaning toward a 3 day transfer (Wednesday).

This is the farthest we've ever gotten and I'm nervous, excited and scared. Will this actually work? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

The Case of the Disappearing Follicles

2006-07-08T14:59:00.000-04:00

This cycle has just raced by. Given the megadoses of stims that I have taken, my follicles have grown very quickly. Unfortunately, they have not grown at a uniform pace. At yesterday's monitoring appointment (Day 8 of stims), I had eight follicles between 12.3 mm and 25.2 mm. Unfortunately, only three are in the 17.1-17.8 range. THREE! The rest are under 16 or over 23mm. I am really worried that all but three follicles will yield overly mature or immature eggs. And even though we are ICSI'ing those little eggies, we don't seem to have much room for error.

I am also concerned that a couple of follicles have seemed to have vanished for no particular reason.

On Wednesday, we had ten follicles between 9.5 and 19.7 mm.
On Thursday, I had nine follicles between 10.9 and 22.9 mm.
By Friday, we were down to just eight follicles.

My questions are - WHERE ARE THE FOLLICLES GOING? WHY DO THEY SEEM TO BE HIDING???

I have had the same technician perform all of my u/s and when I asked both the technician and Dr. L what could account for my diminishing follicle count, I was told that often the smaller ones reabsorb. Also, I was told that the smaller ones aren't measured every day. However, the ones that have vanished weren't small, I had an 18 mm vanish between Thursday morning and Friday morning. Why is this happening???? With such a small output, I don't have the luxury of losing any mature follicles.

I can only assume that one of the following is happening - they are measuring endometrioma and mistakenly, assuming they are follicles. Perhaps, as they get larger, it is easier to determine that they aren't follicles. This isn't a good theory, b/c if they are mistaking endometrioma for follicles, I might have even fewer good follicles than we think. My other theory is that perhaps given the position of my ovaries and the endometrioma, it is not always apparent where the follicles are, so that one or two may be more difficult to find from one day to the next. If this is the case, we may be pleasantly surprised by an extra egg or two tomorrow. I hope really hope the latter is the case.

At 7pm yesterday, David triggered me without incident. This morning David, Jerry (9 yo stepson) and I ran some errands. Since returning home, David has been downstairs cooking up a storm and has banished me to the bedroom to nap. I am really tired today. I am not sure why I am so tired, but I can only assume that it is b/c my ovaries are in overdrive! This evening, David will drop Jerry off with his mom. (Obviously, no kids allowed tomorrow.)

Tomorrow morning at 6am, we are scheduled to arrive at Ginormous for my first egg retrieval scheduled for 7am. Dr. L informed me that he will not be doing my ER but assured me that all of his colleagues are extremely experienced and that I have nothing to worry about. OKAY! I'm not worried. (Yeah, right.)

So wish us luck. We are hoping for some good news.

Quick Update

2006-07-05T16:30:00.000-04:00

Today's monitoring appointment went pretty well. It was my sixth day of stims (I also began taking Ganirelix on Monday to prevent early ovulation). I had ten follicles ranging in size from 9.5-19.7 mm, the majority of which are in the 11-14 range. Dr. L suggested that I continue to stim tonight, return to the office tomorrow. I suggested that I would trigger on Friday night and do my retrieval on Sunday. He realizes that the larger follicles (17.6 and 19.7) will most likely produce overly mature eggs on Sunday but he hopes that the small to medium sized follicles will yield a few good eggs.

I'm hoping for the best.

To Stim or Not to Stim

2006-06-30T16:58:00.000-04:00

I am awful about keeping up this blog, I know. I have spent much of the past few weeks deliberating over whether to postpone fertility treatments and seek treatment for my endometriosis more aggressively or give IVF another try. It has been a really hard decision. I haven’t been 100% since my lap last August and although the prospect of another, more invasive, surgery is daunting, the prospect of being “sub-well” indefinitely seems worse. I got a recommendation for an extremely well renowned gynecological oncologist. The idea there is that someone with experience dealing with severe conditions should be well equip to fix me right up. I have an appointment with her on August 1st.

In the meantime, I got the green light to begin stimming today at my baseline u/s and b/w appointment on Monday. I must admit that Dr. L didn’t give me much (any!) comfort about treating my pain nor did he seem to be completely on top of my case. I know, I know, there are so many cases that it’s impossible for these doctors to keep track but would it kill them to take two minutes to review the patient’s records prior to the exam rather than entering the u/s room completely clueless about the patient. I think I expect too much. Anyhow, of course, the endometrioma are still hanging around but the cysts are smaller. Also, Supernurse told me that my e2 level is much lower than last cycle.

In terms of pain, Dr. L had no answer but believed that the pain was understandable given the endometrioma, endometriosis and fibroids. He suggested that I return to Dr. NHB for a consult. (The suggestion that I return to my gyn for pain management while being treated for infertility made me feel like Dr. L was just brushing me off. I was not pleased.) Dr. L thought the idea of a gynecological oncologist would be a pretty effective route for treating my endo. Unfortunately, he advised against another surgery suggesting that it may result in diminished ovarian function. He suggested that pregnancy (HA!) may be the great miracle that cures my endo. Then he rushed off to his next patient.

When David and I walked out of Ginormous Fertility, I was pretty convinced that I would be hanging up my syringes for a few months. My best infertile friend and my parents encouraged me to focus on my health and leave the fertility treatment behind me for a while. David left the ultimate decision to me, giving me the pros and cons of both options but not weighing in on either.

So after much deliberation, I decided to go for it! I started stimming this morning with Follistim and will take more Follistim and Menopur tonight. If the next surgery may reduce our chance of success in the future and I don’t see the new doctor until August 1st anyhow, why not go for it now! What’s worse thing that could happen? I don’t stim well? Been there. I am in too much discomfort to make it to transfer? We’ll have to wait and see but for now I am running off to acupuncture and trying to stay positive this time around. As David said, this way I won't look back and question my decision not to pursue another cycle, if surgery somehow leaves me less fertile (as if that's possible). And I feel pretty good today too!

Thanks to all of you for checking in on me. You are awesome!

Cysts 5, Chee Chee 0

2006-06-01T15:14:00.000-04:00

As you can probably gather from the title of this post, our baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday did not go well, to say the least. It seems that I have 5 large endometrioma or cysts (the technician could not definitively tell me how many of each I had). All five measured over 30mm and one was over 40 mm. Also, my estrogen level was over 600 and so we are on hold for, at least, another cycle. It's back on the pill on Wednesday and hopefully, things will look better in a few weeks. Needless to say, I was totally stunned. I didn't ask any questions, nor could I find any words at all. Thankfully, David was with me and had the presense of mind to ask some good questions like -- Could this have been caused by the stims from last cycle? Do we need another rest/suppression cycle? What are our next steps? I felt like (and still feel like) I am on a continuous road to nowhere.

As it turned out, things only went downhill from that point. I had the most excruciating menstrual pain in recent memory. I popped every type of pain pill in our house. I rolled around in agony for most of Friday and Saturday. I begged one of the doctors at Ginormous Fertility to prescribed something, anything, stronger than the stuff I had at home. Thankfully, mercifully, he did and two short hours later, I was on the road to recovery. I returned to Ginormous on Sunday morning for another scan and their thoughts on my situation. The doctor, who happened to be doing monitoring on Sunday morning mentioned that surgery (SURGERY!?!?) might be my best option. It just keeps getting better.

After learning of this weekend's events, Dr. L and Supernurse called today to check on me. Dr. L advised me to take the BCPs and return to Ginormous in three weeks for monitoring. He confirmed that it had been difficult to distinguish between the endometrioma and the cysts and that although the endometrioma would not be affected by the BCPs, the cysts should re-absorb. (We know that the endometriomas hadn't been so large and numerous at the start of my last cycle, so hopefully they are mainly new cysts and not new endometriomas). He also mentioned that the pain was "to be expected" given the cysts and extent of my endometriosis. That's easy for him to say with his male parts and office full of family photos! (Down, girl). So I made an appointment to return to Ginormous on Monday, June 26th. Dr. L is scheduled to do monitoring himself that morning.

In the meantime, my best infertile friend suggests that we travel to NY and seek second opinions with the fertility doctor to the stars. I am having difficulty making any sort of decision right now but maybe it couldn't hurt . . .

Inching out of the closet

2006-05-23T15:01:00.000-04:00

I am awful about keeping this blog updated, especially when nothing is going on on the fertility front. So by way of update, I am currently taking BCPs and will continue taking them until the end of the month. I return to Ginormous for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on the first of June. At that time, we will, hopefully, be given the go ahead to begin stimming on June 4th for IVF cycle #2. Fingers crossed . . .

On a separate but related note, the topic of infertility hit me where I work today. I work in a small U.S. office of a multi-national company. There are seven people in my office and about 70 or so shattered throughout the U.S. Our current U.S. support/administrative/legal staff consists of 3 people; so our little team wears many different hats. I, for example, manage legal matters, along with some HR and immigration tasks. Our finance manager, Bill, handles payroll, benefits, orientation, etc. You get the idea. So I was sitting in my office earlier today and I overheared Bill (great guy with a 5 year old son and a second child due in September), who sits two doors down, telling an employee, who has called with a few questions, that our company does not cover fertility treatment. Um, buddy, that would be the wrong answer.

So I sat at my desk for a few minutes knowing that I must correct Bill but not wanting to expose myself as the infertile that I am. I honestly felt a strong obligation to provide this employee with the correct information, particularly on this very difficult issue with which I am intimately familiar; but on the other hand, I felt the need to preserve my privacy. You see, I am not one of those people, who grapples with the decision whether to share my infertility treatments with a few select colleagues (not that it isn't appropriate in most cases, given the appointments, days off required, etc.) It’s just not something I am willing to share. Some family and friends know what we are going through and I rely very heavily on David and one really good friend (and of course, you all) to keep me going when the rollercoaster gets me down but otherwise, I have no desire to share. What to do . . .

Like any good infertile (and busybody), I wandered to Bill’s office and pried into his conversation. This wasn't unusual since Bill and I spend, at least, a few minutes a day complaining about some negative experience we’ve had here at the office. He confirmed that a male employee has called asking about fertility coverage and he has told said employee that our company's health insurance plan doesn’t cover these treatments. He said, after a child has been conceived prenatal is, of course, covered but not extraordinary intervention for infertility. Hmmpph! Bill has dropped a few notches in my eyes for having the audacity to assume that prenatal care would be covered but not infertility! I get that he has not had the misfortune of experiencing infertility, so he has no way of knowing firsthand but he could have, at least, called our benefits' provider to confirm! I promptly corrected Bill, telling him that not only is infertility covered but coverage is mandatory here in our State and no, it doesn’t matter that the employee doesn’t work in this State, since the company’s U.S. offices are based here, coverage is mandatory for all employees nationwide. My heart sped up, as I spoke, but Bill now stands corrected.

He then went on to tell me that the guy (and his wife) aren’t being treated for infertility but have been trying, unsuccessfully, for sometime and that she will be getting “some test to see if there is a blockage somewhere.” The employee also wanted to know if this test was covered. Bill advised him that he didn’t know but that the doctor’s office should submit the appropriate paperwork to the insurance company and the insurance company would either pay or reject the claim. I knew the answer to this one too; of course diagnostic testing like the HSG is covered, but I didn't feel comfortable displaying too much knowledge of this particular topic and I felt fairly comfortable with the answer he has given the employee, so I feigned ignorance and we joked about his inability to know whether every single possible malady is covered by our health insurance.

I feel like I could have done or said a lot more. I could have contacted the employee directly (I guess I still can). I could have informed Bill that diagnostics are covered or advised him that if he isn't sure of an answer, he should suggest that employees contact our benefits' provider themselves, that company has been very helpful. Instead, I took the coward's way out, anonymity intact, for now . . .

Negative

2006-05-05T12:32:00.000-04:00

With respect to medical treatment, isn't negative supposed to have positive connotations? I guess, it simply means the absence of, the absence of cancer, the absence of HIV, the absence of baby. It doesn't seem to fit, does it?

The RE's office called David about an hour or so ago (we've decided that he will be the contact person for all results.) He then called and gave me the bad news. I can't say that I'm surprised that the IUI didn't work. With one partially blocked tube, our chances were slight. Also, I'd begun feeling the onset of AF symptoms earlier this week. So no surprises, just disappointment.

It would have been nice to leave the needles, the monitoring and just the whole damn rollercoaster behind us. You know, to just settle in and look forward to a sweet little baby. . . This time around, it just wasn't to be.

Supernurse called last Tuesday (Apr. 25th) and gave me the details of our "Plan B" protocol. She followed up shortly thereafter with an email. (I guess my RE figured we were a long shot for a successful IUI too. ) So I now wait for day 1 (anytime now) and begin my three week course of BCPs on day 4. Then we are back to Follistim and Menopur (higher doses of both) with Ganirelix (Antagon) thrown in for good measure. Our tentative retrieval date is June 16th. Let's hope we make it there this time around.

Six Weird Things About Me

2006-05-02T07:45:00.000-04:00

As our two week wait drags on, I have nothing interesting to report. So instead of informing you of my random boob soreness and pelvic twitches (I know, they could be anything) I've decided to take up this meme and share some factoids about moi -

1) I am addicted to crafts and shopping for anything craft related. I quilt, I scrapbook, I love it! (See one of my creations above.) Crafting feeds my creative side in a way that my career feeds, well, I guess my job just allows me to eat. I can spend hours on the weekends strolling down the aisles of my local craft or fabric stores, hungry for interesting new items that will inspire me.

2) My parents are from, and have retired to, the Caribbean. I am fortunate enough to spend the holidays basking in the warm sun and lying on the beach, rather than freezing up here.

3) As a follow-up to #2, I hate being cold. A college buddy of mine, who is a medical doctor, recently diagnosed me with a condition called Raynaud's Phenomenon, whereby the blood flow to my fingers diminishes in the cold, resulting in the loss of feeling and color in my finger tips. Strangely enough, this can last for nearly an hour and has begun happening even during the Spring (like, eh, yesterday) when my house is chilly (60-65 degrees).

4) When I was a little girl, I used to get nauseated in the mornings, after getting dressed for school. I believe this went on for months. I would eat breakfast, get sick, throw up and go on to school. I was fine for the rest of the day. No one figured out why this happened, I suppose it was just nerves.

5) I nearly, accidentally, blew up the apartment in which we lived when I was a kid. My mom and I were baking (we usually baked cakes or pies on the weekends) and I turned on the gas stove b/c the recipe we were preparing called for a preheated oven. What I didn't know was that the pilot light wasn't lit, so when my mom opened the lower oven door and struck a match to light it, the force of the blast knocked my mom through the room. Fortunately, the gas hadn't been on for very long and she hadn't opened the main door to the oven. Otherwise, who knows what might have happened.

6) Both my mom and I worked in the World Trade Center and were present for the first bombing in 1993. She worked on the 96th floor of one of the towers and I worked on the 59th floor of the other. We both had to walk all the way down the stairs to exit the building. A group of colleagues and I were forced by Port Authority officials to stop at a cafeteria halfway down the stairs due to congestion in the stairway. Back then, the stairways were poorly lit and there was no functioning speaker system throughout the buildings.

In so many ways we were fortunate, while we were delayed we had no idea the buildings had been bombed, we thought they'd simply been struck by a small aircraft or that there had been a minor earthquake b/c the building actually shook. (In the early nineties, we had no cell phones and no way of communicating with the outside world). As we stared out the windows of the cafeteria and helicopters and emergency vehicles raced around, we actually believed that those buildings were indestructible.

By 9-11 my mom had retired and I'd moved on to another job in different city, but I will never forget the feelings of terror and outrage that I felt as those buildings went down. Sadly, my mom lost many former colleagues, but my old office suffered no deaths or major injuries. And even though I had been in my early twenties when I worked in the WTC, I felt like a part of my youth had been lost.

Gosh, this post turned out to be a downer. Here's hoping for good news on Friday.

Looking on the bright side

2006-04-24T09:56:00.000-04:00

Friday's IUI went relatively well. For the first time, I was treated by the only female doctor at my fertility clinic and she was great. When she entered the room, she introduced herself and apologized for keeping me waiting. She asked me if I had any questions and then took the time to answer them all. After she inseminated me, she covered me up with my paper sheet. She really made me feel like an actual person, rather than another infertile body.

Later that day I received a call from my RE, Dr. L. He had been out of town on vacation last week, so he called to review the cycle and discuss steps moving forward. Dr. L has a metaphor that he likes to use to describe an IVF cycle. He likens it to having one foot on the brake and two feet on the gas. He agreed that my taking BCPs for so long may have acted as a second foot on the brake, thus impacting my ability to stim. However, he was reluctant to take BCPs out of my next protocol. Instead, if the IUI does not work (he has given us a 5-10% chance of success), I will take three weeks of BCPs and no Lupron. I will then start stimming with a higher dosage of Follistim and Menopur. He also recommends adding a GnRh antagonist to prevent premature ovulation.

Although one of the ultrasound technicians informed me that an IVF cycle with four or more mature follicles would go to retrieval, Dr. L would not commit to a retrieval with a low number of follicles for me at my age. He suggested that an older patient who’d already had a cancelled IVF cycle would be a more likely candidate for retrieval with only 4-5 follicles. Instead, Dr. L is hoping for at least a dozen mature follicles next time around with our new protocol. Finally, he expressed some concern about my lining and e2 levels. Hopefully, the upcoming IVF cycle (if necessary) will yield better results.

If our beta (scheduled for May 5th) is negative, Supernurse will email me our new protocol and will work us into the IVF schedule, stimming to begin in late May.

There is some comfort in knowing that we have a plan, in the likely event that we will need it. As always, thanks for all of your kind words of support.

IUI or Bust

2006-04-20T14:00:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we were officially advised to either cancel our IVF cycle or convert it to IUI. The u/s showed that we had only 1 follicle at 18.7, 1 at 14.4, 1 at 12.1 and the rest were all smaller than 9. Since I still have my left tube (right removed during lap in Aug. 05), and the two larger follicles are on the left ovary, we were advised to go for the IUI. I know both David and I were tempted to just cancel outright since I have tubal problems and endo but I guess we have nothing to lose. The IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Thanks for all of your comments. I know we are not ready to throw in the towel yet, but it's hard to see the light when you are so deep in the tunnel.

Is it worth it?

2006-04-17T16:51:00.000-04:00

I find myself sitting at the computer today, surrounded by piles of paper, somewhat sore from injections asking the question – Is it all worth it?

I arrived at Ginormous Fertility Clinic this morning, only to be greeted by a trainee (we’ll call her, Newbie) behind the wheel of the dildo cam. Ok, I’ll play along, I thought, everyone has to learn somehow (grant it, I’d prefer that they learn on someone else, perhaps an unsuspecting fertile in need of an exam). Her technique left much to be desired but Techie J was there and she permitted Newbie to get some driving time in without allowing her to steer me off the road.

Eventually, Techie J assumed control and started counting and measuring follicles. She told me that I had nine, 3 on the right and 6 on the left. I began feeling relieved, perhaps this was working (9 somehow seemed much better than 7). But when I examined the screen while Techie J was measuring follicles, I grew concerned. It was obvious that one or two follicles looked very large and many of the others were quite small. I mentioned this to Techie J, who confirmed my observations about the size differentials. She informed me that she could not give me exact measurements until the machine spit them out.

Well, shortly thereafter, out it spat. 1 – 15.5mm, 1- 11mm, 1- 9.4 and the remaining six were between 5 and 6. Not so fabulous for IVF. So I asked Techie J what we should do about the size differentials and she couldn’t answer. She simply told me that I’d be receiving instructions later in the afternoon and then she and Newbie left me on the table, staring at my measurement printout. As you might imagine, I am still staring at it now.

Around lunchtime I received a call from the Nurse instructing me to take my Menopur and Follistim and advising me of the dosages. I was also instructed to return to the office on Wednesday for the next round of monitoring. When I asked about my little lead follicle problem and questioned her on our next steps due to the fact that the majority of the follicles are so small, she mentioned the letters -- I.U.I.

It was at this point that my mind went blank. I didn’t ask about my e2 levels, I didn’t say much else. I kind of wanted to yell – I.U.I?!!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IUI? ARE YOU AWARE THAT I HAVE ONLY ONE TUBE AND IT IS QUITE LIKELY BLOCKED AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A HYDRO???? I kind of felt like reaching into the phone and shaking her (kind of the way Jimmy Steward did in “It’s a W*nderful Life” when Uncle Billy lost all of the Building & Loan’s deposit money. *)

In the end, I just calmly listened to her instructions, repeated the dosages and hung up the phone. I have spent much of the day googling “lead follicles” and “small follicles” and IVF, to little avail. So I am now left with the question – Is it worth it? If this cycle is cancelled b/c I have fewer than the requisite four mature follicles to proceed with egg retrieval, would it have been worth it? If this cycle is a bust after day after day of injections (and nary an egg to show for it), what do we do next? Will I want to begin again knowing that the next try may merely yield the same result? How far am I willing to go with this? Maybe I am simply not meant to have my own biological child. I really don’t know what my answers are to these questions but I have the next couple of days to think them over.

*This happens to be my favorite movie and if you are unfamiliar with it, it’s great to rent around the holidays. In this particular scene, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, realizes that his absentminded uncle has lost all of their businesses’ money. He fears that they will be ruined, that his life is over and he’s headed to jail, he grabs Uncle Billy and shakes him asking him “What do you mean you lost the money, you stupid old fool?”

Hoping for the best

2006-04-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

We went back to Ginormous on Saturday morning and things are pretty much the same. My estrogen is only up to 87.7. I still have 7 follicles and my meds have been increased again. I go back in on Monday for our latest update.

The technician was great this time. She was very kind and expressed concern about my endo. She also mentioned that, as a few of you noted in your responses, a few more follicles may pop up on the next ultrasound. I am hopeful that they will but more importantly, that those we do have will yield just a few good eggs for fertilization.

Gynecological Train Wreck

2006-04-13T17:53:00.000-04:00

My appointment today began with an ever so slightly hungover Dr. T and Ultrasound Techie J jovially entering my little u/s room joking about how many glasses of wine Dr. T had had at dinner last night. Dr. T joked that Techie J needed to watch her wand motion b/c he’d gotten dizzy from all of the follicles that the lady in the u/s room next door had had. ‘Hee Hee, hopefully’, he said, ‘Chee Chee, you will have a similarly high follicle count.’

Nope. Techie J inserted the dreaded dildo cam and looked at my right ovary and said hmmm. Then she moved to the left and said 'It looks like your left is your big producer with 1-2-3-4-5 follicles. (She stopped counting at 5!!!! FIVE, FIVE, MY BIG PRODUCER HAS 5? ) She then returned to the right ovary and noticed 2 follicles. Yep, a grand total of seven. All seemed too small to measure.

The rest of the exam was spend noting my host of uninvited guests including cysts, endometrioma (at least 2 now), fibroids, and the dreaded possible hydro (and for those of you who have been following along for a while, I too thought that was no longer an issue). Did I mention that my lining didn’t look particularly good either? Dr. T began by saying ‘There’s a lot going on in there.’ (Gee, thanks, now what do we do?) He then tried to provide some comfort by saying that women with endo often have a difficult time producing many follicles. Wonderful, is that like saying it’s not your fault that your body is the gynecological equivalent of a train wreck????

I guess it goes without saying that this was not my best day ever. Oh and by the way, today is our 4th wedding anniversary.

After commiserating with David and attending a series of meetings with some of our service providers, Supernurse called and told me that my estrogen level was also low (48) for 4 days of stimming. (Could there be anything else wrong?) She advised me that they are doubling my dosage of Menopur and taking me off Lupron. She also assured me that many women have difficulty stimming after an extended break. I assumed this very same thing, particularly given the BCPs.

Unfortunately, the reality of it is so much worse. I may have a difficult time stimming in general now. This may be indicative of future cycles. What if the endo is placing too much stress on my ovaries? What if age is becoming a major factor given everything else? What if this never works? So many questions and no answers.

I return to Ginormous on Saturday for the next round of tests.

Ready, Set, GO!

2006-04-11T12:26:00.000-04:00

At 4:40 pm I got the call that this cycle is a go! I was instructed to begin Follistim and Menopur last night and Follistim and Lupron this morning. We are to continue this regiment until Thursday, when we go back to Ginormous for our ultrasound and bloodwork to see if we are making any process.

So at 4:45 I raced out of my office to pick up my meds. (I know, I know, why did I wait for the last minute? Honestly, a part of me felt that we'd never get to the stims, so why spend the money.) Well, the pharmacy closes at 5pm and when I arrived at about 4:56, the doors were already closed. I wasn't sure what to do. Call Supernurse and tell her we'd have to start a day late? Ask if she'd call the prescription in to another pharmacy? Frankly, at 5pm I wasn't sure that I'd be able to catch her either.

I did the one thing that I could think of, I tried the door and it opened! Two of the ladies at the pharmacy clearly weren't pleased to see me and didn't even acknowledge my presence. (This is a very small pharmacy located in the same building as Ginormous and the clock on their wall said 5:03 pm.) Fortunately, a third lady, who was very nice, greeted me, took my name and located my big bag o’ drugs on the shelf. She also retrieved my Follistim from the refrigerator and offered me an ice pack to keep the Follistim cool. Within minutes, she rang me up and I was in my car.

I did my shots last night and this morning (accidentally stabbing myself in the finger with the used Follistim needle, while attempting to discard it).

And yes, stumbling out of the blocks, we are on our way.

Two steps foward and . . .

2006-04-10T11:12:00.000-04:00

Things have been so hectic here. Last Thursday I started spotting and experienced horrible painful cramps and stabbing pains in my lower abdominals but by Friday I felt much better. On Friday morning we went to the Ginormous Fertility Clinic for our IVF injection class with Nurse Dizzy. David and I and one other couple (Zach and Yvette) were in attendance. Nurse Dizzy began the class 15-20 minutes late. After explaining to us that she'd slipped and injured her ankle earlier that morning, she left the conference room to fetch her tray of meds. Well, her tray was completely disorganized and apparently not well-stocked, so she repeatedly left the conference room in search of the correct meds. In many cases she couldn't find what she was looking for and returned rifling through her tray making statements like "Where is the Lupron?" "No that's not Lupron." "Well Lupron kinda looks like this." "Oh no, my ankle is getting swollen." Great . . . way to instill confidence.

She then walked us through the IVF process. Since Yvette and I have the same protocol, Nurse Dizzy gave us some estimates on the length of the Luteal Phase Lupron Protocol and stim phase, along with an overview of ER and ET. She stressed the importance of proper trigger timing and informed us that excuses like "I had theater tickets and so I did the trigger shot three hours late" were not acceptable. Apparently, couples have done this in the past. Given my masters in Googlelogy, I learned nothing new. Zach, however, took copious notes and corrected Yvette when she referenced the wrong meds during a break.

Finally, Nurse Dizzy returned to the meds discussion and talked about Follistim and Menopur, HCG and PIO. She then escorted David and I out of the conference room to find a room to do my practice IM shot. After being unable to find a free room, we returned to the conference room and asked Yvette and Zach to wait in the waiting room. Nurse Dizzy looked at me, estimated my weight about 10-15 pounds less than what it is (and wouldn't believe me when I corrected her) and suggested that I request one-inch needles for IM injections. She then went on a hunt for a one-inch needle for my practice shot. After several minutes, she returned with the needle. She and David filled the syringe with saline solution. I was told to lean on the large conference room chair (although she said it's best to do IM shots lying down), lower my pants and lift one leg off the floor (shifting my weight to my other side). I was then sharply injected in my upper rump. Hmmpph!

Later that day I spoke with Nurse F, who reminded me that they needed our consents and updated infectious disease screening. I mentioned the spotting and expressed my concerns about possibly not getting a normal period. I thought that perhaps I should return to Ginormous on Saturday or Sunday for my Lupron Evaluation but I was assured that we should stick to the schedule and have u/s and b/w on Monday (today). So following a very hectic weekend (including a surprise party that I hosted for David, which I will describe in a later post), we went in for testing.

The waiting room was packed this morning and we waited about 45 minutes. I had a nice nurse draw my blood rather painlessly. The ultrasound, though painless, showed an endometrioma on my right ovary. So now we get to wait and see whether we can proceed with stims or, or . . . I don't know . . .

After another 20 minutes or so, we signed the consents for IVF, embryo freezing, storage, etc. A nurse witnessed our signatures and checked our ids. From there we went down to the pharmacy, requested that the meds be packed up for us and had our infectious disease screening at a nearby lab.

So now we wait for the call about next steps. I'll let you know where we go from here.

Master Injector

2006-04-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

My dear David is great at doing my Lupron injections! Today was my third day of Lupron shots and I will admit to having been a bit concerned about his administering the shots (and he is kind of squeamish about needles), but he is a real pro! I tried administering my own Lupron yesterday and I ended up with a little lump just beneath my skin where the medication sat for a few hours (it turns out that I didn't inject the needle deep enough). Hopefully, that won't affect the outcome of this cycle (fingers crossed, ladies). Now I know that I'd best leave the injections to my expert.

In related news, we are scheduled to attend an IVF injection class at Ginormous Fertility Clinic this Friday morning. Although we are great at the sub-q injections (ok, I'm only great at receiving them but I think that counts, does it?), the intramuscular injections are a whole new ballgame. Despite the fact that I've been told that they really aren't so bad, I am not looking forward to the P.I.Ohhh injections! Does anyone use suppositories instead?

Finally, today is my last day on BCPs for now. I am concerned about the level of pain that I may experience from endo without the aid of BCPs, but there is no other way to achieve this end without putting the BCPs aside for now. Besides, Dr. L has assured me that I can take strong meds throughout the process to control the pain. Hopefully, they won't be necessary but it is good to know that they are available if and when I need them.

Good luck to all of you wherever you are in the process. I will continue checking in at your blogs.

Back on Track

2006-03-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe that I met with Dr. L just yesterday and now we have been given the go ahead to start treatment. Since my old nurse left, Dr. L has assigned me to Supernurse. She is awesome! She was informative and professional without being condescending. She answered my questions promptly, both those I asked in person and the emails that I sent after I arrived at my office (I’m a bit anxious). And today, she confirmed that I have been approved to begin stimming on either April 10th or 11th, assuming all goes well with suppression. (I cannot imagine that suppression will be a problem given that I have been taking birth control pills continuously since October to curb the painful effects of endo!)

She has email my complete schedule. Here it is:

OK. That didn't work. I can't copy the table that she sent me.

I'll just tell you -- We start Lupron on Sunday (4/2) and stop taking the pill on 4/4. We continue taking Lupron until day 2 or 3. On day 2 or 3, we go in for baseline u/s and bloodwork (approx. around 4/10 or 4/11). At which point, we will be given the green light to begin stimming (follistim and menopur). She has estimated a possible trigger date of 4/21 and egg retrieval around 4/23. Hopefully, I'll have eggs to retrieve (A BIG HOPEFULLY THERE SINCE I'VE BEEN ON THE PILL FOR SO LONG. BY NOW MY OVARIES MAY BE COMATOSED!!!) and 3 or 5 days later, we will have embryos to transfer. I know there are alot of "ifs" and "hopefullys" in this paragraph 'cause as all good infertiles know, the road to mommydom is laden with pitfalls and disappointments.

With the pessimism aside, I can’t believe that we are on track to begin! I got a call from Ginormous’ finance office and was told that our old approval for insurance coverage for two IVF tries is still valid but expires on April 1st. The finance person informed me that she will call my insurance company and request that the coverage be extended. She said that it shouldn't be a problem at all!

OH MY GOD! Could we possibly be pregnant by the end of APRIL!!! Please let this work . . . please let this work . . . please let this work . . .

Bad Blogger

2006-03-29T12:12:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad, bad blogger.

But I'd like to thank all of you, who continue checking in on me, despite my long absence. You are truly a phenomenal group of women and I sincerely hope that great things lie ahead for each and every one of you.

Also, I'd like to congratulate all of you who are now either pregnant, actively pursuing adoption or have become moms! I am so happy that things are working out for so many of you.

As for me, it's been a rocky ride. Oct. and Nov. were awful months. I was tested for every ailment under the sun. They. found. nothing. Just endo. I lost 20 pounds. I skipped work. I took painkillers. We cancelled our IVF cycle. In Dec. and Jan., I went away for a few weeks and visited my parents. They live outside of the US and were very concerned about my health. While staying with my folks, I sat on my butt and did nothing. I was literally waited on hand and foot. I even visited my parents' holistic doctor. I slowly began feeling better. I returned to the States, hubby and work in late January. I am still not 100% (taking pain meds a few times a week) but I am probably as good as I'm gonna get.

So today I returned to Dr. L's office to pursue IVF. Because I've been on continuous BCPs since October, I may actually be able to begin Lupron injections on Sunday! WOW! Our tentative schedule (assuming that I am able to stim after being on BCPs for so long and everything goes smoothly) would have us doing ER and ET before the end of April. It's totally unbelievable.

But yes, we are ready to move forward and hopefully, there is a little baby (or 2) waiting at the end of the road for us. And somehow, I feel more at peace about this whole baby business. I'm not crying about it. I can happily embrace my friends' babies. I think I am in a much better place. So thank goodness for that.

Hiding out

2005-10-23T14:08:00.000-04:00

I have spent much of the last couple of weeks in hiding. I haven't responded to many emails, phone calls and I've been neglecting my blog and those of my fellow bloggers. I am so sorry. I have been in a very low place. I have been to multiple doctors' appointments - Dr. L reviewed my HSG results and said that I don't have a hydro and suggested that we could proceed with the IVF cycle. A radiologist, at an independent lab that Dr. NHB recommended, suggested that, based on her view of my u/s and my description of the HSG, I may have a hydro. I am assuming that Dr. L is correct about the HSG/hydro and that we shouldn't worry about the weird fluid. One concern out of the way . . . sort of.

The next issue is the pain. I am still having back pain, cramping and nausea. I had hoped that these issues would have resolved themselves by now but they haven't. I spoke with Dr. L about my concerns and he agreed that it might be a good idea to postpone the IVF cycle until I'm feeling up to it, maybe for a month or two. He suggested that I have Dr. NHB address any pain and gyno issues since an IF clinic isn't equipt to do it. I am hoping that I'll be feeling up to cycling soon. I don't want to begin an IVF cycle while I'm taking painkillers daily. I think that things will only get worse while I'm stimming.

So I finished my BCPs yesterday. I didn't take any Lupron and I won't be starting stims by the end of this week. I am having my kidneys checked, blood and urine tested, being X-rayed and am hoping that my health issue will be resolved soon. Personally, I think the issue is the endo and if that's the problem, I'm not sure how to solve it. I am trying to meet with an endo specialist or two. If anyone has a suggestion in the DC or NY areas, I'd really appreciate it.

I've felt like I am running around in circles with no hope of finding my way out. I feel like everyday brings another frustration, another delay, more hesitation. I hate living this way. I feel like we'll never get to my sweet baby. NEVER. Maybe it just isn't in the cards for us.

Down in the Dumps

2005-10-08T13:51:00.000-04:00

I had my HSG yesterday. It showed that the dye was loculated (meaning that it collected into a puddle in one area of my fallopian tube). I dropped the films off with the receptionist at the Fertility Center. I will just have to wait until Monday to hear Dr. L's opinion about this new tubal issue.

I also feel like crap - physically. I'm feeling crampy and PMSy everyday. I keep hoping that I'll feel better. For the past week or so, I wake up in the mornings feeling ok but by afternoon my lower back hurts, I'm having weird spotting (yep, prior to the HSG). I don't think I've been 100% since the lap. I'm just dragging around like a 90 year old woman (in poor health). I am taking Aleve everyday. I don't know if I am physically able to proceed with IVF, even if Dr. L gives us the green light.

Sorry for being such a downer. If you were looking for sunshine and rainbows, you've come to the wrong blog.

Body Slammed

2005-10-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

I just returned from my mock embryo transfer. I had hoped that I would return with great news that we are moving forward, full steam ahead. Unfortunately, Dr. L did not say things like "Everything looks great!" and "Gosh, what a lovely future home this will be for some future embryos." Instead he said "What is this?" and "When is your HSG scheduled for?" and "Please make sure they give you copies of the films from the HSG."

Dr. L seems to think he was seeing a mass floating around in there, perhaps another HYDROSALPINX! Are you kidding me? Could this actually be happening? I fear that we are teetering dangerously close to needing another lap and the removal of my remaining tube. I just can't take it.

Besides, the HSG was normal last September! Normal, I tell you!!! How can it be that I went from having seemingly normal tubes last fall to having one possibly, two hydrosalpinx less than a year later!!!! Can an HSG definitely indicate the presense of a hydrosalpinx? What the f*&%k?????

Dr. L also noted that "There is a lot of endo still in there." This is amazing. I knew that Dr. NHB hadn't been able to remove all of the endo. What I didn't know was that they can actually see endo in an u/s, especially since I have had many many u/s and were it not for the presense of the endometrioma, no one would have ever diagnosed the endometriosis prior to the lap. This makes me wonder why the endometriosis wasn't diagnosed months ago! Why are we just now seeing endo when clearly it was there all along.

I am frustrated, angry and fed up by this whole process. I'll post again after Friday's HSG.

Unceremonious Resumption of the Pill

2005-10-01T19:05:00.000-04:00

When David and I got married way back in 2002, we talked about children, how many we'd have, how soon we'd begin trying, etc. Like many couples, we agreed on a timeline that worked for us. We decided that we'd begin trying after being married for a little more than a year. And so, in August 2003, we performed our own little ceremony. We called it the "Ceremonial Tossing of the Pills." We held hands, looked into each other's eyes, said a few words and threw my birth control pills away. We were making a pact to embark on a great journey into parenthood together, both ready to move forward and embrace our bright future.

Well, dear reader, you know what came next. I got a physical to make sure that I was healthy, getting my blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol checked. I continued working out and tried eating even more healthily. I purchased both Taking Charge of Your Fertility and Before Your Pregnancy - A 90 Day Guide for Couples on How to Prepare for a Healthy Conception. We went from spontaneous intercourse to timed intercourse. I tried charting, ovulation predictors, etc. We went from the Gyn for tests to the RE for more tests. Many of you are quite familiar with what followed, an unsuccessful medicated IUI, a lap and now IVF.

So that pretty much brings everyone up to date. Yesterday Nurse Mindy and I spoke and she gave me the go ahead to begin taking birth control pills. So friends, tomorrow morning will mark the first of my 21 days of birth control pills, as part of the suppression phase of our IVF cycle. It will lack the fanfare of our Tossing of the Pill Ceremony but, hopefully, it will lead us one step closer to our eventual goal of having a child together. Nurse Mindy and I talked about my protocol - 21 days of BCPs, Lupron on days 19-21 of BCPs and continuing until I go in for day 2 testing. And then around October 27th or 28th, I will begin taking stims. Hopefully, I'll have lots of mature follies after 10 days of stimming and, "knock on wood," you know the rest.

My next visit to the RE's office will be on Monday morning for a mock embryo transfer. It's my understanding that this should be a relatively painless procedure, sort of a dry run, for a real embryo transfer.

I guess this means that we are really getting started. I am not sure whether to feel excited or scared, anxious or weary. I so hope that this works. So very, very much.

23/5

2005-09-27T05:23:00.000-04:00

Mellie tagged me with this little blog game:

THE RULES:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

My twenty-third post, East v. West dealt with my experiences, with Western and Eastern medicines. The fifth sentence "Eve's plan had been to have women (and couples) dealing with infertility meet and connect with one another." related to a mixer I'd attended, hosted by Eve, a local acupuncturist. During the mixer, Eve, the other attendees and I exchanged information about ourselves and did meditation exercises. In the end, I was attempting to decide whether to continue seeing my then acupuncturist, Frank, or to begin seeing Eve.

You'll be happy to learn that after two months, I still haven't returned to an acupuncturist. (I'm a tad indecisive.) I really hope to begin seeing someone prior to the start of my IVF cycle. So I plan to make an appointment with yet another acupuncturist, who is located nearby, in the next few days.

Here's an update on a couple of woman mentioned in my East v. West post --

On Wednesday, Ann will be getting the beta results from her last IVF cycle. I know it has been a long road for her and I wish her the best of luck.
Cathy, whom I met at the mixer, got a positive beta the following week and was doing well when last we spoke.

And to return to Step #5 -- I think I'll break the rules here, I’m tagging Mony, Kate #2, Jill and This Girl (the last one was fun, right?) and challenging anyone whose interested to pick up the mantle and carry the game forward.

One step down . . .

2005-09-26T21:46:00.000-04:00

784,521 more to go.

You know the saying -- the longest journey begins with one step? Last Friday I moved one step closer to our first IVF cycle. I went to see Dr. NHB for a "Well Woman Exam" (ha! what do they know!) I was less than psyched to see Dr. NHB. He is generally pretty direct, not the warmest person in the world and extremely sure of himself (extremely). So I arrived at his office not expecting much in the way of bedside manner. I had my urine, weight (lost a couple of pounds!) and blood pressure (92 over 60) checked and was in to see Dr. NHB without much waiting.

He asked what the REs at Ginormous had in store for me. I told him that they, of course, shared his opinion that we seek IVF treatment and that I am hoping to start BCPs later this week followed by Lupron for a few days near the end of the BCP cycle. I also mentioned that I'd likely be starting stims the following cycle and told him that Dr. L had specifically suggested I begin with Follistim and Menapur. He seemed pleased and playfully commented about drugs with long names. (Where had the real Dr. NHB gone?)

I remarked that Dr. L advised me to have a pap smear prior to starting treatment and Dr. NHB was willing to oblige. I also mentioned that Dr. L had recommended a second HSG to confirm the absense of another hydrosalpinx. Dr. NHB assured me that there is no hydro in my remaining tube (and that my uterus is clean). In fact, he seemed pretty confused by the need for the test (as am I). Dr. NHB even stated that he thought his surgerical notes had been clear on this point. I agreed that his notes had been explicit that a second hydro did not exist and that Dr. L and I specifically discussed this matter but Dr. L felt the need to be certain. Dr. NHB joked (?!?!) "What do I know, I'm just a gyn and they're the experts." I never knew he had a sense of humor! (Could he have simply been relieved to be getting rid of me?)

I mentioned that things would probably start getting expensive soon and he seemed genuinely concerned. He even said that I have "a medical reason" for seeking IVF (as opposed to the elective IVFers, I guess). I assume he meant that it should therefore be covered by insurance. (Oh, Dr. NHB how naive you are, with your smiling family in all of those lovely photos all around your office). I share his hope that most of our IVF treatment will be covered but I am well aware of many, many couples, who desperately NEED IVF to treat their infertility and who do not receive any insurance coverage. So as confident as I am that we will receive some coverage (God bless the State Mandate!), I am also saddened that countless infertiles are 100% self pay or are simply unable to seek IVF treatment due to financial constraints and I just think that's painfully unfair. (As if infertility isn't unfair enough!)

Our discussion ended and I quickly had my exam. Following the exam, Dr. NHB wished me well, told me that I needn't come back for any additional follow-ups and said that I should "Go get pregnant" and "come on back. " I left his office feeling like, hmmm, maybe we will get pregnant (as if we actually have a say in the matter) and we'll return to Dr. NHB for (err, umm, dare I type it) prenatal care. Darn it, Hope is a powerful friend. (I'm sure that my next post will mark the return of the pessimist that you all know).

____________________________

Finally, I'd like to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers about my in-laws. As you all know by now, Hurricane Katrina bypassed Houston. Therefore, my in-laws were not adversely affected by the storm. They spend Friday night and most of Saturday in the hospital, waiting out the storm and were able to return home by Saturday evening. We are extremely fortunate that they suffered no harm.

About Face

2005-09-22T00:24:00.000-04:00

The last time I mentioned my dear mother, she had cleaned, cooked, washed and ironed just about everything in our house. She then flew off into the sunset to her distant home. What I alluded to, but did not discuss in detail, was that she had also made some statements that I believed were intended to discourage us from seeking treatment for infertility. Allow me to explain - my mom is a very active, 60-something year old woman, she takes great care of her health, exercises daily, eats well, sees an herbalist, etc. Don't get me wrong, she is not opposed to Western medicine, she's had surgery and has taken medication. She just seems to believe that drugs may be a bit overused and that diet and exercise can make a world of difference.

So in a recent discussion with her infertile daugher, she said that we should not "go" crazy. And that everything would "work out." Afterall, she'd talked with her gyn and who informed her that "every other woman suffers from endometriosis" and that doing something extreme might "mess me up." Of course, my mom was telling me in her own way that she disapproved of taking conventional medical action to cure infertility. I was really disappointed by our discussion and felt that she just didn't GET it. We've been trying for over two years and given my age and health problems, including stage 4 endo and one remaining blocked tube -- we. have. no. choice. Anyhow, I decided for my own sake that I would not discuss any fertility issues with her any further. I just didn't want to deal with the disappointment.

Well, fastforward to today. Dear mom called me up this morning and after talking about family, friends, some lower back and leg pain that she is experiencing and, coincidently, some lower back and leg pain that I am experiencing, she turned the discussion to a cousin of mine who is suffering from SIF and was recently diagnosed with severe endometriosis. This turned into a tubal discussion, at which point I suggested that my cousin will unlikely get pregnant, if the endo has caused tubal blockage. Well, Mom proceeded to say that without tubes, a person would have to do IVF. You could have knocked me over with a feather! Was my mother actually talking about IVF?!?!?!?! Has she now realized that her only hope of having a bio grandchild or two rests in the womb of an endo-riddled, tubeless (for all intents and purposes), infertile, 35 year old woman!?!?!?!?! I think so.

We then discussed IVF. I mean not in great detail, but I finally shared with her Dr. NHB's recommendation that we pursue IVF. I also told her that we had met with Dr. L, who advised us that he would only transfer two embryos, assuming we get that far. (I think the prospect of high order multiples frightened her). I assured her that reputable fertility clinics do no want women to have high order pregnancies and that although twins are common at our clinic, triplets are rare. She talked about a girlfriend of hers, whose daughter successfully did IVF and had twins a few years ago. She was upbeat and positive about everything. She believes that everything will work out and we will have our sweet babies in due time. I, however, am less confident but it's nice to know that someone is maintaining a positive outlook on our behalf.

At least, I feel better about it. I feel like one of my biggest fans in the whole world is on the same page as me. And that brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.

_______________________

I am really concerned about my in-laws residing in Houston. My MIL is a nurse and has been asked to remain in the city to provide medical assistance, as it may become necessary. Although my in-laws are not in a low lying area of the city and have not been subject to a mandatory evacuation order, my in-laws and a few other relatives will be riding out the storm in a hospital in Houston. I pray that they remain safe.

Another Pregnancy and Seven Things

2005-09-20T23:45:00.000-04:00

Another week, another pregnancy . . . this time it's my cousin. After taking Depo Provera for 5 years, she and her family relocated to Florida and she missed a month (maybe a month and a half) of her birth control patches. Lo and behold, she visited the doctor last week b/c she had an ongoing upset stomach (she's always had an irregular cycle, so she didn't think much of that) and discovered that she was 10 weeks (now 11 weeks) pregnant with Opps, baby #2. Fortunately, she, her hubby and their 5 year old daughter are doing fine, so all is well. I just find it hard to believe that I am actually RELATED to this person. Our reproductive histories couldn't possibly be more different. Oh, well.

Moving on . . . Donnie challenged me to do the "Seven Things" meme. Thanks hun! It's always nice to feel included. So here goes:

7 Things I Plan to Do Before I Die:

1. See the world -- I know it's a tall order but I've never been to South or Central America, Africa, Scandanavia or the Far East. I'd love to see as much of the world as possible.

2. Go back to school and study psychology or social work. This lawyer gig is not for me. I really see myself with a little counseling practice, working with real people.

3. Buy our dream house.

4. Retire young.

5. Be a grandma.

6. Establish a scholarship fund.

7. Run a marathon

Things I CAN Do:

1. Quilt/Sew
2. Scrapbook
3. Bake
4. Listen attentively
5. Dance (in a "do your own thing" kinda way, not in a Tango, Salsa kinda way)
6. Pump iron
7. Keep a secret

Things I CANNOT Do:

1. Sing (I can't carrry a tune)
2. Play a musical instrument
3. Speak before a large group of people
4. Be completely spontaneous
5. Draw/paint
6. Accept most things at face value
7. Overcome my allergies

Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex

1. Tall
2. Skinny
3. Intelligence
4. Sense of Humor
5. Kindness
6. Nice buns (probably should have been #1)
7. Warm smile

Things I Say Most Often:

1. Like
2. Whatever
3. I just don't know.
4. Dude
5. Move It, Move It, Move It (in a drill sargent voice)
6. We'll see.
7. Perhaps, maybe

Celebrity Crushes

1. Jude Law
2. Brad Pitt (although the divorce from Jennifer Anniston has really disappointment me).
3. Boris Kodjoe
4. Henry Simmons (NYPD Blue!)
5. Orlando Bloom
6. Shamar Moore
7. Carter Oosterhouse (carpenter - Trading Spaces)

People I Want to Do This:

Hmmm, I think most people have done this by now. Maybe, I'll just throw it out to anyone who is interested in sharing a little more about yourself.

And as always, thanks for your comments. Your support means so much to me.

"When you get pregnant . . ."

2005-09-16T20:07:00.000-04:00

This morning I went to Ginormous Fertility Clinic and as I waited to be called into Dr. L's office, I felt my spirits begin to sink. I looked around the waiting room, skimmed through brochures about Mind Body classes, Complementary Medicine programs, IVF Support Group meetings, and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I really couldn't figure out how I had gotten there, where had we gone wrong. Would this even work? Was my endo too severe for me to qualify for treatment? Would Dr. L wish me luck and send me on my way? Thankfully (mercifully) before I went into full sob mode, a nurse made a joke with one of the couples in waiting area and I was distracted from my self-pity.

Shortly thereafter, Dr. L walked by, picked up my file at the reception desk and walked back toward his office. He returned after a few minutes of refreshing his recollection of my files. Dr. L greeted me with a joke about my "impressive" laparascopy photos and this bit of levity seemed to lighten the mood. We sat in his office, called David at his office, and the three of us commenced a discussion about our family building options.

Dr. L mentioned two options: (1) adoption and (2) IVF. Since I was at the RE's office, speaking with the RE, adoption was tabled, for now. He explained how IVF would work (my insightful questions led him to quickly became apprised of my advanced degree in Googleology). He then described our protocol -- beginning with BCPs at the start of my next period, followed by Lupron for a few days, with stims shortly thereafter and so on. He talked about the "ideal" number of eggs for an IVF cycle (in his opinion, 15). I then asked about risk factors to our potential offspring and me from IVF, he concluded there were few, which he then proceeded to enumerate.

I also asked about the reduced possibility of success from IVF due to my endo. Apparently, Ginormous published a report a few years ago, which suggests that women with endo have a "statistically insignificantly" lower success rate of IVF than do couples that suffer with other types of infertility. I asked about the increase risk of miscarriage due to endo and fibroids and although he acknowledged that there is, in fact, a higher risk, he seemed unconvinced that it was significant. Statisically, he gave us a 38% chance of success after one cycle and an 80% chance after 4 cycles (yep, 4!). And stated that "when you get pregnant," twins would be one of our biggest concerns. (When I get pregnant? When I get pregnant? Is this some kind of weird RE-jedi-mind-trick?)

My questions then strayed down the alternate remedies route. I asked about changing my diet. I am dabbling in "The Infertility Cure" and "Healing Endometriosis Through Nutritition," which both seem to advocate eliminating everything from your diet except organic fruits, vegetables, water and cardboard. He suggested that I not do anything too extreme and confirmed that changes in diet do not have medically proven results. We also talked about acupuncture, which he seemed indifferent about. He suggested that I avoid herbs and other supplements (I've started taking Flaxseed Oil and Evening Primrose tablets). OK - I'm a bit of a nut . . . I know, I know. He reiterated that I should not consume too much soy.

He recommended another HSG (lovely!) to confirm that my lone remaining tube does not have a hydrosalphix. Personally, I think this is a bit unnecessary given that the lap clearly indicated that it was just blocked, not seeping infected fluid into my uterus potentially poisoning our imaginary child, like the right tube had been, but better safe than sorry I guess. Finally, he advised me that I'd need another lap to remove the remaining tube, if the HSG did, in fact, indicate another hydro.

From there I was whisked off to meet with Nurse Mindy, who cheerfully told me about the dates of upcoming IVF injection classes and IVF information seminars. She advised me of the meds I'd be taking and the tentative dates on which I'd be taking them. She suggested that I get a pap smear (I've had no annual exam since 6/2004). She gave me prescriptions for prenatal vitamins (2 types, my choice), HSG antibiotics, and BCPs. Finally, she advised me that one of the financial advisors would be calling with information soon (today, as it turned out). Nurse Mindy made me feel like a kindergartener, being walked through my first day of school. I guess that's what happens when you complain about your treatment to the right people, everyone tends to O-V-E-R-C-O-M-P-E-N-S-A-T-E.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I called Nurse Mindy with a follow-up question about locations where I might have the HSG performed locally and she very promptly returned my call. She even offered to walk us through the injection process, if we were unable to attend the scheduled injection classes. On our phone call, she even told me that she'd seen our address and noticed that her sister lives near us. Nurse Mindy was very nice, if not a bit patronizing, upbeat and extremely responsive.

I guess I've gotten everything that I could have hoped for -- a protocol that begins soon, no Lupron Depot, responsive and knowledgeable medical personnel and a supportive spouse. So in a couple of weeks, our journey will begin.

As always, thanks for all of your comments. I appreciate all of the responses about David's grandmother and the well wishes about my health. I can't imagine making this journey without you.

Mixed Bag

2005-09-12T07:05:00.000-04:00

Our Labor Day weekend trip to Houston was a bit of a mixed bag. David's grandmother is still in the hospital but there are signs of hope. Although she remains unconscious, she does seem to hear, feel and sense the presence of her friends and family. We are hopeful that she will recover but at her age (88) and having suffered such a massive stroke, it is difficult to believe that she will ever fully rebound. She has lived a full life, was married for over 70 years (widowed in 2004), has plenty of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and even a few great-great grandchildren. With all that said, it is incredibly difficult to watch the matriarch of a family seem to slip away.

On the positive side, we were able to visit with a few of David's other relatives. We shopped, ate, hung out, attended church service and had a pretty good time in general. For the most part, everyone seems to be doing well. We spent Saturday and most of Sunday with David's parents. Late Sunday afternoon, we went to a hotel for some much-needed rest and relaxation.

The trip to the hotel came just. in. time. You see, as soon as we landed at the airport in Houston, I ran into the restroom only to notice that The Tide*, was beginning to roll into town. I had been a bit concerned because the Tide was about a week behind schedule, but Dr. NHB assured me that this was not out of the ordinary, post laparascopy. Well, there is nothing like being away from home to spark the onset of the Tide. I felt pretty good on Saturday and was optimistic that things had improved from the lap, but by Sunday, I was nauseous, unable to keep anything down, in incredible pain and drowning in the Tide. Great. Great. Fortunately, by Monday, things had improved and I was able to leave the hotel and attend a family gathering. We returned home on Tuesday.

By the time we arrived at home, my mom had prepared lots of food for us to eat, had done all of our laundry and had cleaned up the house. She also visited with some family friends and attended church service with them on Sunday. In addition, she engaged in her other routines -- she takes a daily power walk and exercises with Fit Tv. The only thing she doesn't feel comfortable doing is driving alone, since she is unfamiliar with our area. She flew home on Thursday morning. Despite her discouraging me from taking any medical action to deal with infertility (I'll save that rant for another post), I'll miss her.

On Wednesday, I went on a job interview and am excited that new and different challenges may lay ahead. Although I am comfortable in my present job, I am also bored and I sense that a shift may be on the horizon for our little team. We recently had two very visible resignations (including my boss) and it is beginning to feel like our team may be downsized. There is no official word yet but the signs aren't good. Our annual reviews and increases are months behind schedule and headquarters doesn't seem to be taking any immediate action. So although a new job may mean a long commute and re-establishing myself, perhaps it may lead to greater stability and more opportunities.

Finally, I have been reading about endometriosis. I am growing concerned about the state of my health and the potential for success of IVF. I have allergies, eczema and now this. They all seem to point to an auto-immune deficiency. I am also experiencing some discomfort (lower back and lower abdominal pain) and have not felt great for days. I am concerned that my endo will only get worse with IVF. I am concerned that our chance of success with IVF will be lower than those of a healthier woman. I am concerned that over time the only real cure for endo will be a hysterectomy (which may not be a cure at all). I am concerned that I may never get pregnant and really may never be "well" again. So there you have it. We meet with Dr. L on Friday (9/16) to discuss the plan moving forward.

*my period

edited 9/13 to remove the reference to a certain college slogan.

A Few Words

2005-08-30T09:09:00.000-04:00

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the residents of the Gulf Coast, who have been affected by the devastaing impact of Hurricane Katrina. I hope that all will safely reunite with their families, friends and neighbors and begin the process of rebuilding their lives.

David and I will, of course, not be taking our scheduled Labor Day trip to New Orleans. Instead, we will be traveling to Texas to visit David's family, as a close relative has recently suffered a stroke. Sadly, family and doctors are not optimistic of the prospects for her recovery. Please keep her in your thoughts.

Finally, thanks for all of your words of encouragement. It is with your support that I am able to continue this journey.

"Get thee to the RE for IVF -- ASAP!!!!"

2005-08-25T13:34:00.000-04:00

"Why are you still sitting here? Didn't you hear what I just said? Go - right now! I mean, right now!"

OK, those weren't the exact words that Dr. NHB used today during the post game wrap-up, errr I'm mean, post op appointment. But they are pretty darn close. I mean VERY close.

David and I arrived at Dr. NHB's office this morning at 10am. He directed us into an exam room where he examined the sites of my incisions and seemed very pleased with his handywork and informed us that I was healing well. We then sat in his office where he explained the photos he'd taken during the laparoscopy and answered all of our questions related to the procedure. I had over 30 questions, many were compound questions but his answers were basically the following --

1) My uterus looks good now! As do my ovaries, although the endometrioma will likely return.

2) My pelvic organs were pretty much glued together. My appendix was covered with endo, was enlarged, and attached to my uterus and ovaries. He believes that, had it not been removed, it would have ruptured eventually.

3) He attempted to remove as much endo as he could, although he could not give us any type of percentage or estimation of how much was removed.

4) He removed the right tube with the hydrosalpinx.

5) He freed my left tube (blocked) and ovary from the left pelvic wall and freed the right ovary from the right pelvic wall. He removed the endometrioma from my ovaries. He explained that this was all in an attempt to prepare us for IVF.

6) I asked about unblocking the remaining tube. He said there was no point in taking this action as the endo may return at any time.

7) One fibroid was removed but the other intramural fibroids were left inside.

8) All of the tissue that was removed was biopsied and "benign" endo/fibroids were confirmed.

9) He could not give me any sense of how long we have before the endo will return but he suggested that with stage 4 endo, coupled with my age, we should quickly begin IVF. As. soon. as. possible. I mean like NOW!

We assured him that our appointment with the RE is in 2-3 weeks (we've decided to just return to Dr. L, given that the consensus is -- in a large practice we'll see all of the doctors anyway and they consult on each others cases.) So since Dr. L is nice enough, save some unresponsiveness (maybe attributable to his former nurse?), we'll stick with him. Dr. NHB was happy to learn that we'd made an appointment to return to Ginormous Fertility Clinic and that we were aggressively pursing treatment.

Of course, Dr. NHB could give us no definitive cause for endo only theories, which is consistent with my research, nor could he make any recommendations about diet or other methods of controlling endo (not that I really expected answers). He suggested that Lupron would help (obviously, not advisable outside of an IVF protocol) and that another lap may be necessary at some point, depending on my symptoms. He also suggested that fertility meds would likely accelerate the development of endo but pregnancy (a veritable panacea) would stave it off.

He also informed us that I could resume all normal activity, including exercise, but should expect soreness as this was a major, albeit laprascopic, procedure. He hopes that my menstral cramps will be less painful now. Finally, he confirmed David's observation that the procedure took nearly 3 hours.

So here we are.

Here we are.

I recently spoke with two fellow crusaders. One whom I'd met during a meditation class a few weeks ago, Cathy, and another woman, (I'll call her Gail), whom I met at a local get-together of Resolve bulletin board posters. Both have been through multiple IVF cycles. Cathy got pregnant from her last IVF cycle and is now about six weeks along. Gail is currently awaiting ET. Both spoke positively about their IVF experiences, assuring me that yes - WE CAN DO IT! They both informed me that the injections weren't so bad, even the IM injections. I was happy to speak with such positive women, who both suggested that IVF cycles would be fine, despite my reservations.

So our appointment with Dr. L is on September 16th. I am going to drop off the laparascopy photos and Dr. NHB's report at Ginormous Fertility Clinic either later today or tomorrow. We may attempt to speak with Dr. L or one of his nurses over the phone prior to the consult, so that we can hit the ground running on the 16th. Gail suggested that I inform Ginormous' financial advisers that we intend to pursue IVF, so they will begin working on the insurance approvals immediately. I think that's a great idea and I plan to speak with one of their financial advisers when I drop off the laparascopy materials.

Lastly, I guess I will make a decision about an acupuncturist, Eve or Frank , in the upcoming days.

And, of course, await our appointment with Dr. L.

And the countdown begins.

Happy Birthday to me

2005-08-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Today is my 35th birthday. I am extremely fortunate to have a great husband and a loving family. My mom flew into town last week to spend time with me. She has been cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, folding, etc. ever since. Today mom and I are going out for a nice lunch in honor of my birthday. I also have many good friends, who have stopped by, called or emailed with well wishes. And of course, I have you, my cybersisters, who have sent warm wishes and words of love, encouragement and wisdom. I appreciate you all so much.

On the less than positive side, I have a work situation that, with two pretty high profile resignations, has seemed to become more tenuous over the course of the past few weeks. This may be one of those situations that ultimately leads to a positive result, by causing me to aggressively seek a more stable (and, actually, more fulfilling and enjoyable) employment arrangement, rather than remaining at my current job, which has gotten tedious and boring.

And, of course, there is the very significant fertility situation. With the severity of my endo (and, not to mention, my age), we obviously have a limited window to begin the IVF process. We will have to decide whether to stick with my current RE (Dr. L) or to change to another RE (Dr. Fabulous) in the same practice. I have met a few women through the Resolve Bulletin Board and a Resolve Peer Group potluck, who speak very highly of Dr. Fabulous. So I am interested in making a change. But I am not sure of the politics of making such a move at this point. Dr. NHB has offered to call an RE at Ginormous Fertility Clinic (presumably, Dr. L) and inform them of his assessment from the laparoscopy, but who will he call if we change REs now? Maybe we should visit Dr. Fabulous and then have Dr. NHB give him a call. Is a change within a practice (even a large one) awkward? In addition, we will require insurance approval, IVF injection training/orientation, etc. So, I am not sure how long it will take for us to get started.

Also, David and I have scheduled a much needed Labor Day trip to New Orleans. I am extremely excited to have a nice break from everything but I am concerned that this will postpone our treatment cycle by a month. This is not great. I am not sure what the lab cleaning schedule is at Ginormous and I don't know if a one month postponement may cause us to lose two months or more. I hope that we can get started soon and allow ourselves the possibility of, at least, two IVF cycles before another lap would be necessary.

So here we are - moving ahead . . . making a wish and blowing out a ton of the candles.

Did I mention appendectomy?

2005-08-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

David and I arrived at the hospital at 6am on Tuesday morning. We checked in, signed the remaining waivers and financial payment documents. They recorded my insurance information, checked my id and gave me two hospital bracelets (one for each arm). I joked with David that perhaps they suspected that my arms might be separated and therefore, I required two bracelets. We were then sent up to the In and Out Surgery Ward.

From the Ward's nurses station, I was sent into what appeared to be a regular hospital room with four beds. Since the room was empty and I had my choice of beds, David suggested that we select the bed closest to the window. On my bed sat a plastic bag with a stylish hospital gown, hospital robe and socks. David suggested getting undressed and prepared for surgery. I declined to get undressed immediately in a vain attempt to delay the inevitable. But as it approached 7am, I knew that the room's other occupants would be arriving soon (along with my doctors) and I should just get undressed and prepared for my 7:30am procedure.

Shortly thereafter, a nurse arrived and asked me to verify the procedure I was having, took my temperature and blood pressure. She asked about allergies and questioned me about what drugs I had taken recently. She reviewed the recommendations for an outpatient procedure including the drugs to take, prohibitions on drinking and activities to avoid. Then the anesthesiologist showed up. She also asked what procedure I was having, asked more questions about allergies and made additional post surgerical recommendations. She then went through her role in the surgerical process. She checked my heartbeat and thyroid and told me that I had a heart murmur and that my thyroid seemed slightly enlarged. She then started an IV, which she advised me would sting a little and burn a little (right on both counts).

Then Dr. NHB entered the room. He also asked me what procedure I was having (which, after three inquiries, seemed a bit bizarre to me) but as the anesthesiologist explained to us, they are concerned that patients are agreeing to procedures that they don't completely understand. The anesthesiologist informed Dr. NHB that I had a slightly enlarged thyroid and asked about my hormone levels. I guess they don't typically work together (or maybe don't get along?) b/c he seemed to sort of brush off her concerns, telling her that the information should be in my files. She retorted that gynos normally keep these kinds of records and Dr. NHB responded that the information should be in the files.

Finally, another nurse showed up to wheel me into the OR. David grabbed my bag with my clothing, cd player, wallet, cell phone etc. and asked whether he could walk with me to the OR. The nurse advised him that he wouldn't be able to walk with us for very long but he was welcome to join us. After what seemed like only a few steps out of the room and down the hallway, David was told he could not accompany us any farther.

My throat caught and my eyes began to fill with tears. I felt alone and I finally started to panic.

The nurse advised me that I would be given a sedative to settle me down. She then began making small talk about my career. This distraction was helpful and by the time we arrived at the OR, I had begun settling in. The room seemed so large and bright and filled with metal objects and machines. The nurse introduced me to a couple of women (doctors, nurses?), who would be assisting in the procedure. I was told to untie my gown and slide onto the operating table. Then the anesthesiologist appeared out of nowhere said something about the meds and I was off to slomberville. I can't remember counting or anything.

When I awoke Dr. NHB was standing over me, saying something about my appendix, but I thought I was delirious. Later, I awoke in recovery and Dr. NHB and David were talking to me. Dr. NHB told me that I had had stage 4 endo, and that my tubes, ovaries etc. had been "cemented" together with scar tissue. One of my fallopian tubes had been removed due to a hydrosalphix and the other tube appeared blocked (but had been left in my body) and yes, my appendix had been enlarged and had therefore been removed. The inside of my cervix had also been narrowed by scar tissue. He had also removed one of my fibroids, which was near my cervix. He said that given the endo, tubal issue, scar tissue, fibroids, etc., there was no way that we would have gotten pregnant on our own. Then Dr. NHB told us what we'd feared hearing -- Mr. "Anti-Voodoo" recommended that we go back to Ginormous Fertility Center and pursue IVF. He told us that was the extent of our options.

Later, David told me the story from his perspective -- how nervous he'd become when the surgery was taking much longer than we'd been advised. How Dr. NHB hurriedly showed him the pictures of my insides and told him that "his wife's pelvis was in pretty bad shape." And then how Dr. NHB rushed off to his next procedure, which had been scheduled for 10:30 am. He told me that he'd talked to his mom about his fears and concerns, while waiting for me to return. It seemed pretty awful from both sides.

So here we are -- dealing with our new reality. I am glad that there wasn't anything more serious wrong with me. I had started to worry that the unexplained pain in my side would be diagnosed as ovarian cancer and that I would need an emergency hysterectomy. Neither was the case. This isn't so bad. Also, I am recovering pretty well. I am walking around the house on my own and could conceivably return to work by Monday or Tuesday.

On the other hand, after we meet with Dr. NHB for our post op visit in two weeks to have our final questions answered, we are down to our final option for having our own child.

IVF is it.

I am so intimated by IVF. Can we handle it? What if it doesn't work? Is it too much for us to take on? Are we "not meant to" have children of our own? What about adoption? How did we get here?

Oh God, how did we get here?

Today is the day!

2005-08-09T05:18:00.000-04:00

We are off to the hospital now. The procedure is scheduled for 7:30am and our check-in is at 6am. Thanks for all of the well wishes. I really appreciate all of your advice, support and words of wisdom. I wouldn't be able to do it without you all!

Good luck to everyone. I will be checking in again soon.

East v. West

2005-07-29T13:49:00.000-04:00

East
On Wednesday evening, I attended a mixer hosted by a local acupunturist, Eve, who specializes in infertility. (Ann, who has been going to Eve for the past few couple of months, told me about the event but she was not able to attend herself.) So I (never the fearful little infertile) was off on my own. Upon my arrival, Eve gave me a tour of the facility, which includes a work-out room with personal trainers, tai chi/yoga/meditation room, acupuncture room, massage room, kitchen, bathrooms, etc. It can best be described as a wellness center.

Eve's plan had been to have women (and couples) dealing with infertility meet and connect with one another. Unfortunately, the turnout was very small (I was one of three attendees). We introduced ourselves, talked about our conditions and our plans going forward. Following the introductions, we practiced meditation techniques to reduce the impact of stress on our bodies and minds. Although it was kind of new agey to me, I enjoyed it. The other attendees, Cathy and Diane, seemed very nice. Cathy and I exchanged information and promised to keep in touch. She is going through an IVF cycle and is going in for her beta next Monday. She, like all of us, has suffered a great deal with IF and I am really hoping that next week brings her positive news.

Eve has a very different attitude about treatment than my current acupuncturist, Frank, whom I've been seeing since April. Frank is nice and new agey (picture a 60ish hippy type, complete with balding head and grey ponytail). He seems to think that the Chinese herbs are a great idea for me and has recommended them highly (he also sells them himself). Eve, on the other hand, is more of a "do-what-you-need-to-do, follow your heart, if you are interested in herbs, I'll recommend an herbalist" kind of person. She also seemed to know more about infertility. She spoke knowledgeably about IVF, and other treatments and the concerns that REs often have about herbs. Frank seems to have a more general knowledge of infertility treatment. Don't get me wrong, of course Frank knows what points correlate with which body parts/condition (and I think my cycles have even gotten longer recently -- going from 25-26 days to 28 days) but I am wondering if it would be better to switch to an acupuncturist with more specialized knowledge. Frank shares offices with his wife and he only does acupuncture, rather than fitness and other types of wellness like Eve. The other factors are that Eve is $10 more per session and farther from my home and office. I just don't know whether to change.

West
In other news, this morning David and I had our pre-op visit with Dr. NHB. I gave urine and blood samples. And then Dr. NHB went over exactly what he plans to do during my August 9th procedure:

1. hysteroscopy - checking uterus and tubes
2. d&c to remove any thickened or abnormal tissue, including endometriosis
3. possible myomectomy
4. possible salpingectomy, if hydrosalpinx is present or tube is otherwise seriously defective
5. laparascopy
6. removal of hemorragic cysts.

I think (hope) that covers it. He plans to do the least invasive procedure possible (says him), removing only what is absolutely necessary. I also signed the waivers, stating that I understand the possible risks of the procedure. Dr. NHB highligted punctures and infections as the primary risks with this type of procedure -- great, like I don't have enough to worry about.

Two weeks after the procedure, we'll go in for a post-op visit and Dr. NHB will give us his thoughts on how best to proceed. Dr. NHB is anti-IF treatment; so unless both tubes are damaged, he is unlikely to recommend that we return to the REs at Ginormous Fertility Clinic. David and I will then have to decide where to go from there. Of course, I am jumping ahead of myself. I just need to get through the next few weeks and then we'll see what's next.

The answer for me is -- just slightly more than half and other exciting news.

2005-07-26T15:53:00.000-04:00

Congrats to our newly pregnant IF cybersisters -- PJ, Donnie,& Suz! I'm pulling for you all!

I am anxiously awaiting my pre-op visit on Friday morning. It seems like we have been waiting forever for my lap but now it's only two weeks away. I can't wait to have some questions answered and get off the bench and back into the babymaking game!

BTW - check out The Grateful Distraction Book Club. We are reading two books this time around -- Love by Toni Morrison and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by JK Rowling. In fact, a lively discussion about the Harry Potter book has already begun!

Finally, I got this quiz from PJ's blog. Thanks PJ! Check it out. Hmm, 54% American is probably about right for me as my parents are both foreign born.

You Are 54% American

Most times you are proud to be an American.
Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe
Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home.
You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Feelin' Groovy

2005-07-19T12:08:00.000-04:00

I spent last weekend in the Big Apple. I arrived in NYC on Friday evening and met my sister and her boyfriend for dinner. From there, I headed Uptown and caught up with some college friends and crashed for the evening. On Saturday afternoon, I attended my sister and her boyfriend's BIG 3-0 party with about 15 of their friends and family at their favorite local watering hole. From the bar, we wandered into shops, hung out at a chic wine bar, ate sushi and gelato and headed to a series of bars after that. (BTW -- I'm getting a bit old for all of the bar hopping and ultimately bailed out early - 11:00 pm).

One of my oldest and dearest friends in the world joined us for the party and spent the day trolling the City with us. It was awesome to see her. I also caught up with a law school friend, who got married a year after David and I and, of course, is newly pregnant. She and her husband started trying at the beginning of this year. She is still skinny as a rail and doing well. Good for her!

I love going up to New York. I am always so excited to see and do (and buy) everything possible! I am originally from New York and I love spending time with my friends and family, who still live there. I had a great time and need to try to visit more often.

Many of my friends in NY (and elsewhere) are still single and seeing them gives me a different perspective on marriage and family. They are still hoping to find that special someone to settle down with and start a family. I am fortunate to have overcome that initial hurdle and to have found someone to love and cherish regardless of what life throws our way. I am truly grateful for that. I don't envy my single friends, who are still looking for love -- online, in bars, at grocery stores, churches etc. Life is a long road and it is great to have found a companion in David to share it with.

In other news, Ann and I caught up last week. As I suspected, she and her husband have been trying for years, have had multiple failed treatment cycles, including a failed IVF cycle. She was depressed and frustrated. Like so many of us, she simply wants a child to complete her family. My heart really went out to her. We promised to keep in touch and perhaps have lunch or dinner sometime in the future.

That's all for now. Good luck to everyone cycling. And thanks for checking in on me. I'm feeling fine!

As Good As It Gets?

2005-07-12T11:08:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the well wishes! I am doing much better this week.

I even visited Uber and her baby.

And you know what . . .

I was fine.

I stayed for hours, held the baby, watched Uber breastfeed, and basically socialized like a normal individual. I asked appropriate questions and talked about a number of topics including babies. I was ok. The baby is very cute. She cooed, she cried. She fed (and fed and fed. In fact, I hadn't realized that someone so small could have such a large appetite.) Overall, I felt pretty good about the whole situation. I didn't run out of the hospital and burst into tears. (As I feared I might). I think I did a pretty good job!

Afterwards, I went to a restaurant (David was away on business) and watched a baseball game. I saddled up to the restaurant's bar and had a great meal and a drink, by myself. I even struck up a conversation with two women standing nearby. We talked about physical fitness and working out. (I'm pretty cool). This coming weekend I will head to NYC to visit my sister and my friends. While I await my turn at mommydom, I plan on enjoying myself as much as possible.

Thinking back to my evening with Uber, I am not sure why I felt so good. Was it because I was happy to simply share in a friend's joy rather than wallow in my own misery? (I hope that was the reason). Or was it because I am sure I can have a baby someday (although I may never actually give birth). Maybe the pregnancy of others bothers me more than the actual motherhood of others . . . who knows. Regardless of the reason, I am trying to better understand myself during my infertile era. I am working on enjoying the here and now and letting tomorrow take care of itself. I have a good life, a great husband, nice home and lots of family and friends . . . maybe that's as good as it gets for right now.

A Big Week

2005-07-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

Here are a few exciting events of the week in my world:

1) Baby Uber was borne on Wednesday. Both mommy and baby are doing well.

2) My little sister turned 30!

3) I've spent much of this week spralled out in pain. My periods are becoming unbearable. I made an emergency visit to Dr. Patience yesterday and he suggested that my endometriosis is probably worsening. He recommended upping my intact of painkillers (he even mentioned naurotics!) and taking it easy.

Oh and we were able to move my lap to August 9th.

Wise Words

2005-06-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

As many of you suggested, including David, I opted to cancel the laparoscopy on July 15th with Dr. Patience. I would not have been able to forgive myself if, despite the fact that this is a routine procedure, something went horribly wrong. I have done my research and I am confident in my choice. Now I'll just have to call next Tuesday morning (as soon as the office opens) and schedule the early morning (7am) lap appointment with Dr. NHB on August 16th.

In other IF news of the week, I contacted Ann, via email, about my suspicions (and briefly shared our story). She responded that I was, in fact, correct about her IF and suggested that we talk on the phone or get together sometime for lunch. It feels good to have made contact with her, so whether we develop a long term friendship or just talk every now and again, I am happy to know she's out there. I'll be pulling for her.

Also, I was invited to attend my first Resolve Peer Group dinner this weekend! One of the women that I first "met" on the Resolve message board and later met in person with a group of local "message board" gals for brunch, has invited David and I to join her regular Peer Group meeting. I feel like a very busy infertile.

Finally, thanks Ladies for all of your words of wisdom. And thanks David -- I appreciate all of your love and support.

A bird in the hand? Fear of the future? Or mindless babble?

2005-06-24T14:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from Dr. Patience's office informing me that my lap with Dr. Patience had been scheduled for July 13th. Hmmm, I hadn't realized that they would just schedule it without first contacting me . . . And of course, they are not completely aware of our seeking a second opinion.

As you may recall, David and I sought and received a second opinion from Dr. NHB. We decided that we'd have Dr. NHB perform the laparoscopy (perhaps b/c of his winning personality). Unfortunately, when I called Dr. NHB, he advised me that he would not be available to perform my lap until August 16th (mere days before my 35th birthday). To make matters worse, I can't actually schedule the lap until July 5th (he only schedules appointments 6 weeks in advance).

So here I am. Do I settle for Dr. Patience and get this whole laparoscopy thing behind us in less than a month or do we wait for Dr. NHB in August? If we are sticking with Dr. NHB, we'll have to inform Dr. Patience of our decision very soon, so that someone else will be able to take my appointment time. Decisions, decisions . . .

My biggest fear is that during the lap, the doctor (whichever doctor) will discover that both of my tubes are damaged and have to be removed. Of course, we will be sent straight to IVF land. Assuming I do have endometriosis (I know what happens when you assume), plus the odd assortment of cysts, fibroids, scar tissue, tube damage, etc. and will be 35, it is very likely that they will recommend moving straight to IVF anyway. And then what? Do we move forward?

IVF terrifies me and I'm not sure why. I don't know if it's the stims, needles, monitoring, etc. or if it's the fear that if it doesn't work, we are (I am) fresh out of options for a biological child. It almost feels like the end of the road and it just makes me want to cry. I know it's too early to assume the worst and of course, thousands of IVF babies are borne each year and I think I have the strength to do it, regardless of my fear of the outcome, but I just don't know . . .

I made it through the wilderness . . .

2005-06-22T12:56:00.000-04:00

No -- not the wilderness of infertility (you haven't missed any posts, I'm still firmly planted in that jungle), the baby shower for Uber! You may recall, dear readers, that I thought I was off the hook with any involvement, (other than as guest) in my dear friend Uber's shower. How wrong I was! Other than purchasing, printing and mailing the invitations, I was enlisted to provide a few items for the event.

So last Saturday morning/afternoon, I raced around the baby store (yes, I entered the domain of the preggos), and bought a gift (it's so non-baby, that I probably should have purchased something else.) What is it? OK -- you dragged it out of me -- it's a rocking chair cushion and hey, they registered for it! It was in the furniture department. I simply couldn't do the cuties clothing/toy thing. Just being in the store made me a bit queasy. And yes, I know that I could (and should) have ordered a gift online but I kept procrastinating and finally had to buy something or show up empty-handed. Well, I guess I wouldn't have been empty-handed.

From the baby store, I went to a few grocery stores, the party supply store and a large discount store and purchased paper and plasticware, ice, cakes, cookies, garbage bags, foil, etc. I finally arrived at the shower an hour late and more than a bit frantic and out of breath. Fortunately, when I got there only 2-3 of the guests were present. (And the hosts had some paper plates/utensils - so no one was sitting around hungry, waiting for me).

And I will admit that my responsibilities ended as soon as my carload of goodies was taken into the house. Mr. Uber did all of the bbqing. (Not bad). Others brought side dishes. The hosts of the party had a large deck/patio, which was perfect for entertaining (and considerably larger than our backyard/patio). In total, about 30 guests attended.

I declined to attend Uber's girly baby shower on the prior Saturday, using my responsibilities for the co-ed shower as my excuse. And I must admit, as far as showers go, this was the right one for me! There was no gift opening, no silly games, no decorations, nothing girly at all! Instead, this was a bbq, with a couple of preggos, where people happened to bring gifts. The weather was great! I saw some friends that I hadn't seen in a while, met some new folks and had a pretty good time.

In fact, I think I may have encountered "one of us" in their midsts. This particular person and her husband (I'll call them Ann and Bob) attend most of Uber's events. So I know both Ann and Bob but I wouldn't call them my friends. They have been married for a while (maybe 4 years) and have no children. (I know, I know, you think I'm jumping to conclusions.) But get this -- during the course of a conversation, Ann asked another couple if they had children, the couple responded that they don't. She then said something about "having children, God-willing" and looked pretty disconsolate. Watch out Sherlock Holmes, I'm the infertile detective!

I emailed Uber yesterday to find out if she knew whether Ann and Bob are having trouble conceiving or if I had simply been imagining things. She assured me that I had probably heard correctly (which was a relief - I don't want to become the person, who starts hearing mutterings of infertility during conversations when none are actually being made!) and that she knows that Ann and Bob have been trying for a while. Uber also informed me that during previous phone conversations, Bob has made statements indicating that he and Ann were having fertility issues but did not go into the specifics of their situation.

So I got Ann's phone number and email address from Uber and I think I will contact her. I am not sure what type of support system she has but I know how difficult this journey is and no one should have to go through it alone. I think I'll send her an email, that way if she doesn't feel comfortable discussing the issue, she can simply not respond. A phone call seems pretty bold and may not be well received.

What do you think? Would you welcome an email from an acquaintance sharing experiences about infertility or would it just weird you out? Hmmm, maybe that's a dumb question since we are all sharing infertility experiences with acquaintances/cybersisters online, but let me know what you think anyway.

"This fertility treatment stuff is all voodoo anyway"

2005-06-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

On Friday, David and I met with Dr. Terrific. Following our meeting, I decided that he will more accurately be referred to as Dr. No Holds Barred. Dr. NHB first asked us what brought us to his office. I gave him a copy of my records from the IF clinic and my prior records from the GYN related to IF. I then talked him through the process that we'd been through up until now. Trying for nearly 2 years, one medicated IUI cycle, lap recommended, cysts, possible hydro blah, blah, blah.

Well Dr. NHB asked if I had a regular cycle. I informed him that I do, he then questioned why I was given Clomid. He believed that it was not necessary or useful since I ovulate on my own. I explained the logic of the medicated cycle, increasing the number of eggs, increasing our chances, etc. . . we all know the drill. He then said so "they give you meds, inject you with sperm and then wait." Yeah, that's it -- IUI in a nutshell. As he said he's "no schmo." He knows how this works.

He said that we have no way of knowing if any treatment is going to work since we haven't had a lap performed. I may have endo, scar tissue, the tubal issue etc. He asked why hadn't anyone performed a lap in the past? I don't know. I believe my RE felt there was no need for one up until now. He clearly thinks that the lap is an essential diagnostic tool, thereby questioning the wisdom of my prior doctors allowing this much time to go by without performing the lap. OK . . . there is some logic in that.

He then questioned the whole infertility treatment process. He said that this "fertility treatment stuff is all voodoo anyway." "RE's go into a room and come up with a number of different treatments and hope something works. But there is no control group, they don't really know what treatment will work to treat what condition" . . . So he critized the fertility treatment process in general. A lot of people are putting a lot of faith in the IF treatment process and it often works, so I understand that this is a relatively new area of medicine but I couldn't agree with the "voodoo" statement. But he said that someone at IF clinic could perform the lap. Hmmm . . . question the legitimacy of this area of medicine but then send me back to them to be CUT OPEN?

He then asked why I hadn't gone back to my Gyn for a second opinion on the lap. (The medical community in this area is small enough and he practices the same type of medicine as Gyn at the same hospital). I don't know. Dr. NHB came highly recommended by two very close friends and I decided to meet with him instead. He informed me that my Gyn could perform the lap, a fact that I am well aware of.

Was he trying to get rid of us?

He then asked if my Gyn had given me antibiotics prior to performing the HSG. I told him that I didn't believe so. He said that if I had had an infection, the HSG could have aggravated that infection and caused the hydro. Also, he said that the hydro might not necessarily have shown up on the HSG, so there is no point in performing another one. OK. So he critizes my Gyn. But he said that my Gyn could perform my lap . . . hmmm . . . let Gyn perform the lap . . . at my own peril.

Dr. NHB said that he could perform the lap. He has performed many many laps. He would "clean everything out" -- remove the cysts, endo, possibly the fibroids (depending on their position/the feasibility of it), check the tubes, remove any scar tissue and have us try on our own for 3 months. But I am turning 35 in August, so he expressed concern about my age.

In the end, he said that the endo and hydro could impede implantation (I know) and therefore, if present, they'd have to go. David expressed concern about the removal of the tube (which David describes as "radical") and asked if there is anyway of repairing it. Dr. NHB said that the only real way to know what's going on in there is to take a look and make a judgment call. He assured us that there is no way he'd remove the tube if it looked normal. Unfortunately, if the tube is badly damaged and infected, it would not be useful to try to save it and the hydro would likely return. We talked about the fact that frequently your body compensates if you have only one tube and that our chances would not necessarily be reduced by 50%. He also said that a functioning left tube could "conceivably" (he, he) get an egg from the right ovary for fertilization.

So here we are. Do I personally like Dr. NHB better than Dr. Patience? Of course not. Dr. Patience was a very nice and I would be more likely to invite Dr. Patience to my home for dinner than Dr. NHB any day of the week. Is Dr. NHB a bit of a jerk? Probably more than a bit. Do I trust the skills of Dr. NHB more? Yes. He came highly recommended. My friend L received the recommendation from two of her doctors. (L has many doctors). One of whom told L that Dr. NHB was the only doctor that he would allow to perform his wife's procedure. And of course, he performed Ober's myomectomy and will be performing her c-section in a few weeks. So tomorrow we'll try to schedule the lap with Dr. NHB in either July or August.

If he can squeeze us in . . .

WHAT NEXT????

2005-06-16T20:51:00.000-04:00

David and I met Surgeon B for a surgical consult. He was extremely nice and professional. He sat with us and answered all of our questions. We didn't feel rushed at all. I'll call him Dr. Patience. Dr. Patience knew that I have fibroids, in addition to the hemmoragic cysts, so he decided to do an impromptu u/s and SHG to review the landscape and confirm the location of the fibroids.

During the u/s, we saw the 4 cysts, 2 on each ovary. The two on the left ovary are most likely hemorragic and therefore they must be removed. They are characteristic of endo, so that will have to be removed too. Dr. Patience then examined my uterus. He assured us that the fibroids were not in my uterine cavity, therefore he recommended leaving them alone. At that point, there were no surprises.

And then Dr. Patience saw an elogated cloudy image on the u/s monitor.

He thinks it's a hydrosalpinx. And he recommended removing one of my fallopian tubes.

We were stunned.

My Gyn performed an HSG in Sept '04 and my tubes were both fine. How could I have a hydrosalpinx now?!?! How did we get here??? I know that if one of my tubes is removed during the lap, my regular RE will recommend that we move straight to IVF (I turn 35 in August). I just don't know what we'll do . . .

Tomorrow David and I meet with Dr. Terrific for a second opinion. We will just have to wait and see if his opinion differs from that of Dr. Patience. Will he recommend another HSG, even if he doesn't we should probably have one (thanks Kinneret) to see if the results are consistent with the u/s. Also, should we get a third opinion? I just don't know what will happen next.

Are we actually making progress???

2005-06-14T22:55:00.000-04:00

On Sunday morning (7am!), I had my day 3 b/w and u/s and they confirmed what I already knew -- I still have four ovarian cysts. The technician, who performed the u/s suggested that at least one cyst appears to be a hemorragic cyst, which may be characteristic of endometriosis. We received a call on Sunday afternoon confirming that my estrogen level was elevated and that we will not be cycling (again) this month (big surprise!) and advised us to wait for a call from the RE or his nurse.

Well by Monday afternoon, we'd received no call. So David and I called and bugged both the RN and the receptionist to the point where they had no choice but to put the RE on the phone . . . himself . . . without an appointment! I was amazed. I must admit that all of the credit goes to David on this, I would have given up and merely scheduled a phone conference with RE at the next available appt time (in 2 weeks!). However, David persisted and persevered.

Anyway, on the impromptu phone conference, RE explained his concerns about the cyst and suggested a laparoscopy with Surgeon A. During the course of the conversation, I inquired about the fibroids and RE's initial response was that it is only 4 cm and based on the size and location he wasn't concerned. After I persisted with my questions (I know that there is more than one fibroid), RE reviewed my medical records and recommended seeing a different surgeon, we'll call him Surgeon B, who has a great new technique for fibroid removal. Unfortunately, a new technique is not so reassuring when its MY BODY we are talking about. Also, even if his fibroid technique is fabulous, how is he on endo and cysts????? Tomorrow we will have an opportunity to have all of our questions answered, David and I meet with Surgeon B to discuss his opinion on my case.

I was interested in getting a second opinion and we were fortunate to get an appt on Friday with a local surgeon (Dr. Terrific), who has performed uterine surgeries on two of my friends. One of my friends (Uber) had Dr. Terrific perform her uterine surgery two years ago and it was a huge success (baby Uber is scheduled to make her debut on July 6th). Both Uber and L (a good friend who had Dr. Terrific perform her lap and remove cysts, polyps, endo) can't stop singing Dr. Terrific's praises.

So here we are. We will meet both doctors this week (and maybe even schedule a consult with a third, I'm not sure yet) and try to schedule the lap as soon as we can. Hopefully, we will be comfortable with one of these doctors and can move forward with the lap.

I am really looking forward to having the best possible chance of conceiving, because up until now, I don't think that my "landscape" was very baby friendly. . . we'll see . . .

And the two shall become four . . .

2005-06-10T12:46:00.000-04:00

I finally received a voicemail from RE. Taking the advice of Kinneret, I left a message with the operator, who sent RE an internal email (she claims he doesn't have voicemail). A mere 36 hours later, RE called me (last night at 9:30pm) and unfortunately, I missed the call. He indicated on the voicemail that I, in fact, had FOUR cysts (not TWO as RN had indicated at last u/s, or so I thought) and he suspects that at least one may be an endometrioma. He suggests that if the cysts-gone-wild (and their children) are still present on day 3 of my cycle (Sunday), he would recommend that we do a laparascopy.

Finally! I believe that I probably should have had a laparascopy prior to doing IUI#1. I think I have had symptoms of endometriosis for about 20 years now, so it is time to take a look and see what's really going on in here. I know that the endometrioma and endometriosis are not the same thing but I also know that there is no way to diagnosis the presence of endometriosis without doing a lap. So I think the lap may kill two birds with one laser! Also, what's up with the fibroids? Can we do a total internal clean up job and get ready for action?!?!?

Anyhow, it looks like another cycle, without an IUI, may be underway but at least we can maybe make some progress . . .

Does anyone want to play Tag?

2005-06-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

Internal Spring tagged me with these two memes:

TAG ONE:
Finish the four bookish statements and pass it on.

1) Total number of books owed - several hundred, too many to count.
2) Last book I bought (2) - The Infertility Cure and the Infertility Survival Handbook.
3) Last book I read (2) - I am currently reading the Infertility Survival Handbook and listening to The Skeleton Man in my car.
4) 5 books that mean a lot to me - To Kill a Mockingbird, Tar Baby, Angela's Ashes, Giovanni's Room and The Poisonwood Bible.

Pick five of the lives below and write about them. Then add one of your own and pass it on.

IF I COULD BE A POLITICIAN: I'd do everything in my power to make this country a more equitable place. I would support early childhood education programs, universal health care, aid to the poor and other liberal causes. I'd work to defeat corporate welfare and tax breaks to the wealthy.

IF I COULD BE A PHOTOGRAPHER: I'd photograph people. I'd try to capture their essence through my art. I'd seek out different types of people, in far-reaching parts of the world, particularly those who are rarely photographed, like the poor and the disenfranchised and bring their plight to the forefront.

IF I COULD BE A PSYCHOLOGIST: I'd help people deal with the struggles of daily life like depression, infertility and loss. I'd work with people who are seeking joy and peace in their daily lives.

IF I COULD BE A MUSICIAN: I would be a singer/rapper like Gwen Stefani or the woman in the Black Eyed Peas. I have always told my law school friends that if I had any musical talent at all, I would never have met them. I know this is really shallow but I think it would be cool to do music videos and wear cool outfits and have others around to do my hair and makeup.

IF I COULD BE A CIRCUS PERFORMER: I'd be a trapeze artist. I'd fly through the air with the greatest of ease, performing death-defying stunts. I'd enjoy the roar of the crowd and the thrill of entertaining others.

The rest of the list for those who accept this mission is: SCIENTIST, FARMER, MUSICIAN, DOCTOR, PAINTER, GARDENER, MISSIONARY, CHEF, ARCHAEOLOGIST, ARCHITECT, LINGUIST, PSYCHOLOGIST, LIBRARIAN, ATHLETE, LAWYER, INNKEEPER, PROFESSOR, WRITER, LLAMA-RIDER, BONNIE PIRATE, SERVICE MEMBER, BUSINESS OWNER, ACTOR, AGENT, VIDEO GAME DESIGNER, PHOTOGRAPHER, CIRCUS PERFORMER, SPY, FASHION DESIGNER, HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT AGAIN, MODEL, POLITICIAN, SERIAL KILLER, HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR, MOVIE PRODUCER OR ACUPUNCTURIST.

If there is anyone lurking out there, choose one or both tags and let me know a little bit about you! Also, I tag a few of my favorite bloggers to play along and give us their answers on their blogs -- the fabulous and pregnant Life's Bright Chaos and The Road, sports and Russell Crowe fan extraordinaire BabyQuest and finally any members of the The Grateful Distraction Book Club seeking additional distraction.

And I'm still standing still . . .

2005-06-08T17:04:00.000-04:00

The wife of a colleague of mine just gave birth to their second child in less than a year and a half. I remember when their first daughter was borne, we'd only been trying for 6 mos. (Feb. 2004) and I assumed it would be just a matter of time before I'd be sharing our good news. Well here we are, it's June 2005, she's delivered number two and I'm still in the starting blocks. I know that I should just feel happy for them (and to a certain extent, I do) but I can't help the feeling that I am making no progress and that time is just passing me by . . .

We interrupt this program . . .

2005-06-07T09:57:00.000-04:00

I realize that I promised a mini-series about the positive things that I have gained during the IF process. However, I am back to playing the role of sad and bitter infertile. You should have known that the Ms. Suzie Sunshine thing wouldn't last. I do hope to return to the wonderful prospective, wisdom and patience that I have gained during this process -- but not today.

I have begun spotting, which marks the impending arrival of AF (today is day 23 of a 26 day cycle). Therefore, another natural cycle goes bust. Will I look on the bright side -- by Sunday or Monday I should return to RE's office for a baseline u/s and b/w to begin another treatment cycle? Of course not! Since the cysts seem to be hanging on to my ovaries for dear life, I completely lack any optimism about doing another IUI. I honestly have no earthly idea what we will do if the cysts are still there this time around. I have not spoken with anyone at RE's office about our game plan and I'm pretty flipping pissed off! I am considering changing RE's, I know it's early in the process but I need more attention!

More later . . .

The Sisterhood

2005-06-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

Rather than posting my typical complaints about my RE/RN/ friends/ cysts, etc, I thought it would be a good time to begin a mini-series on things that I am thankful for about infertility (IF). Yep, you read that right -- I have actually gained some really worthwhile and life changing experiences from IF and I am actually thankful for many of them.

The Sisterhood -- Yesterday, I was fortunate to join five remarkable women for brunch. They are intelligent, funny, strong, smart and brave women, who want nothing more than to be mothers. We met because we all frequent the Resolve online bulletin board and one of us organized a get-together in our area. (I had attended a similar gathering of Resolve women in my area a few months ago). It was refreshing to meet women from different walks of life, who are going through the same experiences as I am. (It's always nice to know that you are not only - not alone but that there are women out there, who will support other women whom they've never met just because they share a common bond.)

From a treatment perspective, we are all in different places. With my one failed IUI cycle, I have received the fewest treatments of any member of the group. But despite many failed cycles among us, everyone remained levelheaded, optimistic about family building (one way or another), good natured and self-assured. I have found that all of us possess a strength and fortitude that we never knew we had. I am thankful that IF has allowed me to offer and receive support and encouragement from such an incredible group of women, be they the sisters whom I've met in person or my many cybersisters across the country. IF is truly a life-altering experience and I am honored to be in such esteemed company.

I want to say a special thank you to the regular visitors to my little blog. It really warms my heart that you take the time to read my rantings. Good luck to you in your journey.

Bored out of my gourd

2005-05-31T10:10:00.000-04:00

Well the long weekend is now over and I'm back to sitting at my office computer (full time) as opposed to sitting at my home computer (part time). (BTW -- all of this sitting around is not doing anything positive for my butt, but that is a different post.) I am employed by a telecom company and review/negotiate agreements for a living. Yep, its just as exciting as it sounds. Think reviewing your real estate sales contract or rental agreement 500 times for five years! "Can we keep the refrigerator?" you might ask or "What if we break the lease, do we pay a penalty?" Except, now pretend that you are now negotiating the sale of telecom equipment rather than the rental or sale of your home (you didn't think it could get any less interesting, did you?). Well that is all of the glam stuff. Sorry, when I said I was an attorney, were you expecting Susan Day and Blaire Underwood - LA Law style courtroom drama? Not for this gal! I've given you all of the legal highlights! In fact, last week an admin in our office told me that I had the worse job here. Well, gee thanks!

I am a mere 26 days shy of my 5th anniversary with this company. We have gone through corporate restructuring, layoffs, pay reductions and downturns in the market. Yet, I am still here. And it's painful some days to get up and drag my aforementioned butt into the office. So why stay? Surely there must be countless opportunities for me out there? There are several perks about my current job - (1) limited supervision, that's right, at the moment I have the freedom to write in my blog with only the limited possibility of interruption; (2) convenience -- I live 15 minutes (I got here in 11 minutes today) from my office! How many individuals can make that claim? I am also only about 10 minutes away from the RE's office (and nope, they still haven't called back, see cyst post.) How great is that; (3) flexibility -- I pretty much walk in here between 9:30 and 9:50 am most mornings and no one bats an eye. (This is super for early morning ultrasounds and blood work); (4) confidence -- I know what I am doing b/c I've done it hundreds of times before; (5) stability -- I've been here forever, by today's standards anyway, who will know my job better than me; and finally (6) insurance coverage -- I began visiting my RE in January and so far I have paid a mere $10 per visit! That's a bargain.

What about excitement, challenges, enthusiasm, professional fulfillment? Not here! Other than being a mom, what would I do if I could do anything? Maybe I'd be an airplane pilot or a racecar driver (no wait, those are my 8 year old stepson's career aspirations). Maybe I'd be a therapist and counsel people like me, a tad off kilter but harmless and fun to be around. Or maybe I can sell my one of a kind homemade quilts? Who am I kidding, no one appreciates homemade gifts anymore. I'm almost 35 (in August, gasp!) and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Yikes, I'm in trouble. I guess I'd better stay put.

Back to the business at hand

2005-05-29T09:41:00.000-04:00

It seems that my dear friend "Uber" has gotten another couple to host the co-ed shower. I am sooo happy. I really wasn't able to deal with it. I am struggling to feel happy for her instead of just feeling bitter and jealous about our situation.

One wise RESOLVE warrior woman told me that she really tries to separate her IF from other women's successes. She said - it's not like some women's abilities to get and stay pregnant is directly related to our inability to do so. She's right, they aren't taking our babies away (at least, I don't think there's a shortage) . . . but I still struggle with it. I have an easier time cheering the pregnancies of my previously IF sisters (many of whom are merely cybersisters, at that) than I do that of some of my closest friends. Well, I never said I was a great person. But I'm working on it.

On with the struggle . . .

Showers for Baby Uber

2005-05-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

How could a seemingly intelligent infertile women allow herself to get roped into hosting a baby shower? Well my uberfertile soon-to-be-40 best friend got pregnant a week or two after her wedding. Great for her! Meanwhile David and I are nearing the 2 year mark trying to conceive without even a positive HPT (home pregnancy test, to the uninitiated) to our credit. So when uberfertile's colleague volunteered to host a baby shower for her, I thought, excellent, one less thing for me to worry about. But right after the initial planning stage of shower # 1 (all female b/c he didn't want co-ed) had ended, spouse of uberfertile decides that he now wants a couples' shower. So what do they do? Uber asks me -- the best friend, matron of honor, overall sap to host shower #2. (BTW -- may I ask, how many showers does one imminently arriving baby need?) Now I, like many infertiles, would almost rather be subjected to Chinese water torture before even attending a baby shower, much less hosting one at my home. But as a dear friend, I felt I simply couldn't say no. Yeah, I'm a sucker.

So now I have spent the last several weeks trying to subtly extricate myself (and David) from this predicament. David has offered to call spouse of uberfertile for a man to man chat. I declined this offer, assuming I could handle it myself. How wrong I was. We have now received 3 draft guest lists for invitations, the last contained over 55 names. No, we are not Mr. and Mrs. J. R. Ewing and we do not live at South Fork. We simply cannot accommodate such a large number of people. Not to mention the fact that uberfertile is well aware that we have been trying now for ages, without success, and receiving (sometimes, see cyst post) infertility treatment. And anyway, who asks someone to host a party for them???? Better yet, who asks their infertile friend to host a second baby shower?!?!? Ann Landers would be appalled.

Well I have proposed a few alternate sites, only to have spouse of uberfertile shot them down. Get a clue! But today, it seems that my reticence plus David's man to man chat with Mr. Uber have finally brought our message home. I believe that in a few short hours I will be free of this unpleasant and unwanted task. (They have asked a few other suckers, opps - I mean friends, if they will host babyfest #2).

And I have learned a very valuable lesson -- I should have said "no' when given that option. For that I have only myself to blame. I will now always remember -- it's easier to say 'no' than to un-say 'yes.'

Revenge of the Cyst

2005-05-26T13:08:00.000-04:00

What's a gal gotta do to get some attention from the RE's office?!?!?

I have called my nurse twice with a number of questions about how to proceed from here. First, it took her days to return my calls (it routinely takes her days to return calls) and then she promised that the RE would call me. The RE has never called me . . . this may be too much to hope for.

To refresh your memory (as if there is anyone out there reading) when I left off, I mentioned that I have been benched for the second consecutive cycle due to cysts on my ovaries. So my questions to RN include -- what do we do if the cysts keep coming back? Should I try Chinese herbs? A number of my fellow Resolve warrior women have either been given birth control pills or had a laparoscopy to remove cysts. Will that be our game plan? Honestly, I have about 8 questions and a couple are 2 and 3 parters, so I will not go into all the detail here. Suffice it to say, I need answers now!

There is nothing worse than feeling completely powerless to change your situation. So if I don't get some answers by midday, I will have to resume pestering everyone who will listen.

Stay tuned . . .

Welcome to My Blog

2005-05-25T14:35:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that I am joining the 21st century with my own blog! Unfortuately, I have decided to create this blog as an outlet to express my hope, fear, frustration and anger with the infertility process.

Here's a bit of history about us. David (name changed to protect the innocent) and I were married in April 2002. We agreed that we'd wait one year before trying to have a child so that we could settle into married life for a while. On our first anniversary, we decided to wait a couple of additional months and by August 2003, we conducted our ceremonial "throwing away of the birth control pills."

I went to my primary care provider and got a physical. I met with my OB/Gyn who advised me that since I had been on the pill for a few years, it might take a couple of months for the hormones to get out my system. I figured why wait, I downloaded ovulation calendars from the web and started planning our "activities" accordingly. Nothing happened in the first few months but I assumed that by November or December 2003, we would be ovulating regularly and ready to go for sure. Well, no pregnancy in 2003 but it was ok b/c I knew that it could take as long as a year maybe more. Yet in order to be proactive, I purchased a few fertility/ preparing for pregnancy books. And in January 2004, I purchased my first ovulation predictor kit. We used it while traveling that January and of course, I got a + indication of ovulation but no pregnancy later that cycle.

Between working, purchasing a new home, helping a girlfriend plan her wedding, the next couple of months seemed to sort of slip by without much effort in the baby making department (although no contraception either). Once things settled down, I was back to my OPKs with a vengence. Still nothing. So in August 2004, we went back to OB/Gyn for more tests. A year or so before, we had learned that I have a few small uterine fibroids. Since they don't seem to be obstructing anything, OB/Gyn suggested that we leave them alone in order to avoid potential scaring/ damage to my uterus. The battery of tests in 2004 indicated that I have clear tubes, a regular cycle and normal hormone levels and we even had a normal post coital test. We were sent us back to the drawing board. In December 2004, we had our first abnormal post coital test. OB/Gyn sent us off to the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

We met RE in January 2005. He conducted additional tests but things seemed ok. RE recommended that we try three medicated intrauterine insemination (IUI) cycles. After sitting out a month for insurance approval, we had our first medicated cycles in March. No luck. After my period arrived, it was back to RE's office to begin the next cycle. On day 3 of my cycle, RE conducts a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork to confirm that it is ok to begin a treatment cycle. Unfortuately, in April I had a cyst on my left ovary. We were benched, meaning they will not prescribe fertility meds if you have a estrogen producing cyst. It was back to OPKs, taking my temperature every morning and timed intercourse. I even began acupuncture. Sadly, my period (AF) arrived on schedule as usual. So it was back to RE's office in May to begin a second round of treatments. This time the day 3 tests indicated that I now have 2 estrogen producing cysts. At least something inside of me is reproducing . . . Not quite.

So here we are awaiting a second treatment cycle, trying timed intercourse . . . still trying to conceive.