Thursday, July 20, 2006

Marriage Meltdown

Thanks for all of your expressions of concern. Nope, I wasn't hit by a bus on the way to transfer, not literally anyhow.

On Tuesday night, David and I had a total marriage meltdown - the day before the transfer. We yelled, we argued, I shoved. He expressed concern about my feelings for his son and how he'd be affected by our offspring. He panicked. He told me to either do the transfer or not but he wouldn't be there. We stopped speaking. I felt completely abandoned and I didn't know what to do.

I called Ginormous on the morning of the transfer and told Dr. L what was happening. Should we contemplate having a child, while possibly, simultaneously, contemplating divorce? I cried. Dr. L said that we had 2 pretty good embryos, an ok one and a not-so-good one. He offered us the option of doing a day 4 transfer and the option of speaking with one of their counselors. I accepted on both counts. I spoke with the counselor for a while, with no resolution. I spoke with my therapist and my best friend and got some advice. I confronted David on Wednesday evening, with the hope of brokering a compromise to get us to transfer. Despite my attempt at a resolution, he had nothing to say about the embryos, no questions about whether I had gone through with the transfer and continued ignoring me. At that point, I knew it was over.

Supernurse called me on Thursday morning to confirm that we were proceeding with the day 4 transfer. I told her that I'd decided to cancel and asked that the embryos be frozen. I broke down and wept. Dr. L called later that day and he said that I'd probably made the right decision, given the circumstances. He also mentioned that if the embryos didn't make it to blast/freeze, they probably wouldn't have successfully implanted and made it to term. He said that he would have suggested transferring 3 of the 4 embryos - as our best chance of success. He expressed regret about the cycle, given all of the difficulty we'd had. He mentioned that years ago another couple he'd been treating cancelled on the day before transfer. I asked if they'd ever returned for treatment and he said they never had.

I was both furious and heartbroken. With a brief email informing David of my departure, I flew out of the country on Saturday morning and am currently visiting my parents. (My parents' internet access has been down until today.) My parents have given me their full and unconditional love and support. Since I've been down here, David has called. He initially expressed anger about my unannounced and abrupt departure but ultimately expressed his hope that I return and that we try to work things out. I return to the States on Saturday. I am still sad, angry, hurt and raw. I think this offense is almost unforgivable, especially since he's been encouraging me to get treatments and he convinced me to proceed with this cycle, despite my reservations. I don't know what we'll do or how I want to proceed. Divorce is a sad option but where do we go from here? Counseling? How long am I willing to wait?

Lastly, I received my final fert report on Monday morning - none of the embryos made it to freeze.

45 Comments:

At 4:58 PM, Blogger Thalia said...

Oh chee chee I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to be dealing with, and what totally horrible timing. And to know that they didn't manage to freeze anything is the real icing on the cake. I'm glad to hear that you are getting lots of tlc. I am thinking of you.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger Dramalish said...

This is so categorically unfair. The universe has some serious explaining to do... and some serious retribution to make.

I'm praying that that happens soon, CheeChee.
-D.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Krista said...

Chee Chee this is awful, awful news. Infertility causes so much stress on everyone it is really unfair. Obviously you have every right to be angry, you went through a lot to get those embryo's. However, I really hope that you and your husband find a way to work through this. I am thinking of you.

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger GLouise said...

Oh Chee Chee- I didn't expect to hear this. I am so so sorry.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

This post made my blood run cold. What a crushing blow this must be to you.
I imagine I would feel deeply betrayed.

You're in my thoughts.

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger Em said...

God Chee Chee...I am sorry. IF and all this pressure certainly brings up stuff in relationships. I can honsestly say that I have questioned my relationship more since we've had the baby. How weird is that? It is true though and I am ashamed to admit it. I completely relate to the fighting. I did three months of clomid and I can honestly say that I feel that my husband wasn't 'getting with the program' on purpose. I don't know why I wasn't more angry then but as I write it I feel really pissed off.

I am so sorry the embies didn't make it to freeze. I hope for you that this either pulls you guys together or helps you to make decisions that will be good for you and your emotional well being.

 
At 7:34 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Oh Chee Chee. I had wondering where you were. I am so sorry. What a horrible turn of events. And to have none of them make it to freeze is the kicker.

I'm thinking of you and hope you and David can reach some understanding that gives you peace, whatever that answer may be.

Hang in there.

 
At 9:59 PM, Anonymous Jen said...

Oh, gosh--I am so very sorry to hear that. Talk about it all happening at once. Please know you're in my thoughts.

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger Zee said...

Chee Chee, I'm so, so sorry. What a nightmare! IF does put a huge strain on relationships, but what crap timing to have things blow up when they did. And then to have the freezing be unsuccessful. There aren't words for how unfair and sucky that is. Take good care of yourself and let your folks pamper you. I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs and good thoughts.

 
At 3:21 AM, Blogger Sparkle said...

My goodness what a shock, I'm sad for you, I hope you're doing okay.
V.sad about your embryos not making it to freeze. I hate it when they say if they didn't make it to blast then they wouldn't make it anyway. Take care.

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oh, I knew that something was wrong when you had not updated for so long. My heart goes out to you as you must feel that you are enduring one blow after another. I am glad your parents looked after you well and I wish you peace and resolution with your husband.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

PS no-one can say definitively that any embryos would not have made it in your uterus. Just because they did not make it to freeze means nothing. There are too many variables in blastocyst culture to know.

I know this knowledge will not help you right now as your pain is too raw but it is one thing you may take possible comfort from later on. Do not beat yourself up about it. I know it is easy to do.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Nico said...

Oh, CheeChee, I am so incredibly sorry. About all of it. I'm glad that your parents were so supportive, and I really hope that things with David work out for the best - whatever that outcome may be. Thinking of you!

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger MoMo said...

Oh Chee Chee--I am lost for words. I can't believe this. I am so sorry for everything that happened. I hope you and David can work things out--infertility is such a hard road to travel and it really puts a strain on our relationships. And I am so sorry about the embryos--how I wished it turned out differently. Hang in there. Sending you a big hug from the midwest.

 
At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Mollywogger said...

Oh God. What a heartbreaking post.

You've got lots of great women thinking of you.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Chee Chee, I am so sorry that things went this way. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 
At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Generally a lurker. Just want to say how sorry I am. What a horrible time you have been having! YOu are in my thoughts and prayers.

 
At 3:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Chee Chee! How awful! IF does stress relationships so shittily. I hope everything works out for you favorably very soon. You deserve it.

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger electriclady said...

Oh no. How unimaginably difficult this must have been (still is) for you. I hope you two find some peace and resolution, somehow.

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger Mony said...

I'm sad. So sad to read this Cheech. This is the post that so many of us could write at times. You seem so far away & I'm obviously not the only one who would love to hold your hand right now.
Please keep tabs with us. Silence is terrible when you know a friend is hurting.
Thank goodness for Mum & Dad. You take care.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

Chee Chee your post gave me the chills. I am so very sorry that you are suffering this heartbreak. This situation is utterly unfair on so many soul-shattering levels.

Please be gentle with yourself. You're in my thoughts.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger Keeping The Faith said...

oh God- I'm so sorry.

 
At 11:35 PM, Blogger ak1908 said...

Chee Chee,
Oh dear. I don't even know where to begin. I am so sorry about all the crap you are having to endure right now. I agree with Dramalish that this is so unfair and just plain sucks. Please know that you are in my prayers and if you need to talk, just email me- I am only a phone call away. I wish I could reach out and give you a huge (((((((hug)))))))))). You are in my thoughts!

 
At 6:52 AM, Anonymous B. Mare said...

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I know from my own experience that when a relationship undergoes hurt & betrayal during the IVF process, it can feel even worse than it normally would- because you are already so vulnerable. I'm really, really sorry this has happened, and I hope you can work things out. Til then my thoughts are with you.

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Oh Chee Chee.

I am adding my voice to the chorus. I hope you are ok.

 
At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart and prayers go out to you.

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger K|nneret said...

Oh Cheech ... I am so utterly and terribly sorry that so much has gone wrong so quickly. AS others have said, it's awfully unfair. Here's wishing you a healthy resolution to the issues plaguing your marriage - and a huge ginormous *HUG*

I hope you still have my number - I'm always here.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger ak1908 said...

Hi Chee,
Can you send me your email address again? For some reason, I can't find it in my contacts and I really want to reach out to you. Let me know through my blog if you don't have mine and I will go to Resolve and post it to you!!!

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger MoMo said...

Hi Chee Chee..I just want to drop a note and say that I am thinkig about you. I hope you are doing okay.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Donna said...

I'm glad you are in a place where you have unconditional love and support. Thinking of you.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger k #2 said...

chee chee - why do things happen the way they do? I hope your parents can continue to give you some much needed tlc as you make some tough decisions (as if the IF ones you were dealing with weren't enough.

my thoughts are with you

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger heleen said...

Your story today is one of the saddest I've read in any blog so far. I hope you're ok. Very sad.

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger DeadBug said...

I am dumbstruck, and so sorry that you are dealing with this incredible load of misery. Whatever happens, I will be wishing you well.

--Bugs

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Ova Girl said...

chee chee. I'm so sorry. Utterly unfair.

 
At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Alexandra/Infertile Gourmet said...

Oh my goodness this was heartbreaking to read...I am so terribly sorry. My thoughts are with you.

 
At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Jill said...

Oh, Chee Chee, I am so sad to hear of all the heartbreaking upheaval and loss that you have been experiencing. Words are not sufficient, but my heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers.

 
At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Paige said...

I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry that you are going through this on top of IF. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself.

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger sube said...

Chee Chee, I've been out of town and have missed your last several posts. I'm so sorry for the way your cycle turned out and I'm so sorry for what you must be going through. It's all simply too heartbreaking. You're in my thoughts.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Dearest Chee, I am so sorry to hear how the second part of the cycle, and things with David played out. I'm glad you flew straight home to your parents - and hope that you'll continue to put yourself first. You deserve so much better.

 
At 10:13 PM, Anonymous Lori said...

Chee Chee - I'm so terribly sorry. I hope you're doing you're best to care for yourself. You're in my thoughts.

 
At 1:37 AM, Blogger Mel said...

This is so sad. I hope that you and your husband are able to get help and discover what it is that is causing his meltdown and extreme change in mind. Take care of yourself and keep your loved ones close to you for support.

 
At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Jill said...

Hi, Chee Chee. I just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you and praying for you. I hope that you are okay.

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger Avonlea said...

My heart is with you.

Infertility is so stressful on everyone and everything. I hope you both find the support and trust you need to make it all work.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Mony said...

Still thinkin' about you, sugar.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger The Town Criers said...

Coming out of lurking to say that I'm so sorry (about the blasts, about the fight, about the struggle). And I hope things are getting better.

 

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