Marriage Meltdown

Thanks for all of your expressions of concern. Nope, I wasn't hit by a bus on the way to transfer, not literally anyhow.

On Tuesday night, David and I had a total marriage meltdown - the day before the transfer. We yelled, we argued, I shoved. He expressed concern about my feelings for his son and how he'd be affected by our offspring. He panicked. He told me to either do the transfer or not but he wouldn't be there. We stopped speaking. I felt completely abandoned and I didn't know what to do.

I called Ginormous on the morning of the transfer and told Dr. L what was happening. Should we contemplate having a child, while possibly, simultaneously, contemplating divorce? I cried. Dr. L said that we had 2 pretty good embryos, an ok one and a not-so-good one. He offered us the option of doing a day 4 transfer and the option of speaking with one of their counselors. I accepted on both counts. I spoke with the counselor for a while, with no resolution. I spoke with my therapist and my best friend and got some advice. I confronted David on Wednesday evening, with the hope of brokering a compromise to get us to transfer. Despite my attempt at a resolution, he had nothing to say about the embryos, no questions about whether I had gone through with the transfer and continued ignoring me. At that point, I knew it was over.

Supernurse called me on Thursday morning to confirm that we were proceeding with the day 4 transfer. I told her that I'd decided to cancel and asked that the embryos be frozen. I broke down and wept. Dr. L called later that day and he said that I'd probably made the right decision, given the circumstances. He also mentioned that if the embryos didn't make it to blast/freeze, they probably wouldn't have successfully implanted and made it to term. He said that he would have suggested transferring 3 of the 4 embryos - as our best chance of success. He expressed regret about the cycle, given all of the difficulty we'd had. He mentioned that years ago another couple he'd been treating cancelled on the day before transfer. I asked if they'd ever returned for treatment and he said they never had.

I was both furious and heartbroken. With a brief email informing David of my departure, I flew out of the country on Saturday morning and am currently visiting my parents. (My parents' internet access has been down until today.) My parents have given me their full and unconditional love and support. Since I've been down here, David has called. He initially expressed anger about my unannounced and abrupt departure but ultimately expressed his hope that I return and that we try to work things out. I return to the States on Saturday. I am still sad, angry, hurt and raw. I think this offense is almost unforgivable, especially since he's been encouraging me to get treatments and he convinced me to proceed with this cycle, despite my reservations. I don't know what we'll do or how I want to proceed. Divorce is a sad option but where do we go from here? Counseling? How long am I willing to wait?

Lastly, I received my final fert report on Monday morning - none of the embryos made it to freeze.