Good Night, Ladies, Part II
This should be my last post. My infertility journey has come to an end. David has sent me divorce papers. I got a call from Fed Ex - he forwarded them to the wrong address. He has never been to my apartment in New City and addressed the package incorrectly. Maybe it is just his way of putting off the inevitable. I have tried to do the same thing. I have yet to visit an attorney, I have made no move to finally slam the door shut, but it has.
Maybe in some ways infertility and separation are similar. They both isolate you from your friends and are totally difficult to make others understand. They are both characterized by feelings of failure and loss. They both leave you feeling drained.
On the positive side, I have found a real sense of freedom. People have told me that I am brave and strong. I don't know about that. I just know that I have been through the darkest period of my life, a time of great pain, sickness, depression and anger and I am here on the other side.
There have been times when I have strolled down the street on a Sunday afternoon and thought this should be our family time - time for our little family to be together. Times when I have heard a sad song about pleading and love and have felt my eyes begin to fill. There are times when we talk about the end of us and it breaks my heart.
And yet, I come and go and don't seek approval. I don't cower, I don't fear the weight of someone else misery. I am not constantly waiting for the next fight, the next disappointment, the next apology . . . There is an easiness about life now. I have given up everything from my home, to my career, spouse. My whole life has shifted and I feel alright. A little bruised and blooded but better, stronger and at greater peace than I've had in years.
I think I have just another post or two left. I know it should be my last post but I want to address my feelings about infertility and the ever growing possibility that at age 37, gyno problems galore and at the end of my marriage, children of my own are an unlikely possibility at best. Well - I have to address that, after all, wasn't that what this blog was really all about?