Monday, September 17, 2007

Good Night, Ladies, Part II

This should be my last post. My infertility journey has come to an end. David has sent me divorce papers. I got a call from Fed Ex - he forwarded them to the wrong address. He has never been to my apartment in New City and addressed the package incorrectly. Maybe it is just his way of putting off the inevitable. I have tried to do the same thing. I have yet to visit an attorney, I have made no move to finally slam the door shut, but it has.

Maybe in some ways infertility and separation are similar. They both isolate you from your friends and are totally difficult to make others understand. They are both characterized by feelings of failure and loss. They both leave you feeling drained.

On the positive side, I have found a real sense of freedom. People have told me that I am brave and strong. I don't know about that. I just know that I have been through the darkest period of my life, a time of great pain, sickness, depression and anger and I am here on the other side.

There have been times when I have strolled down the street on a Sunday afternoon and thought this should be our family time - time for our little family to be together. Times when I have heard a sad song about pleading and love and have felt my eyes begin to fill. There are times when we talk about the end of us and it breaks my heart.

And yet, I come and go and don't seek approval. I don't cower, I don't fear the weight of someone else misery. I am not constantly waiting for the next fight, the next disappointment, the next apology . . . There is an easiness about life now. I have given up everything from my home, to my career, spouse. My whole life has shifted and I feel alright. A little bruised and blooded but better, stronger and at greater peace than I've had in years.

I think I have just another post or two left. I know it should be my last post but I want to address my feelings about infertility and the ever growing possibility that at age 37, gyno problems galore and at the end of my marriage, children of my own are an unlikely possibility at best. Well - I have to address that, after all, wasn't that what this blog was really all about?


At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Meg said...

Dear Chee Chee,

I was thinking about you only yesterday, and thinking about sending an email to the IF "Lost and Found" site. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered how you have been.

I'm sorry this year has been so dark for you. I can't imagine how difficult it has all been.

I admire your bravery in starting your new life. I hope things are getting better, and I just wanted to thank you for checking in.

Good luck in your new journey.


At 8:51 AM, Blogger K|nneret said...

Oh Chee ...words fail me.*hugs*. Just lots of hugs, m'dear.

I am here if you need a shoulder. Not sure how far you are now, but if doable - coffee??

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

Wow, you have built a whole new life for yourself.
I'm glad to hear you say you've made it to the other side, though the costs have been high.

At 8:24 AM, Anonymous mary ellen said...

Oh chee chee I have no words. I am sorry that this past year has been so difficult. I so admire your strength and courage. I wish you all the best.

At 8:26 PM, Blogger MoMo said...

Chee Chee--I don't have the right words, but I just want to say I am so sorry that the last year was so difficult. I often think of you and constantly check your blog. I hope that this next chapter of your life will be filled with joy and happiness.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Dramalish said...

Chee Chee.
I'm so glad you have resurfaced.
I feel horrible about what you've been through, but I also am glad for the place you seem to be in now. You sound healthier than you did during the IF TX.
And that's a good thing.

Thinking of you, and so glad you have found us again. Maybe you could keep blogging... about your new life?

At 2:04 PM, Blogger zhl said...

Oh Chee Chee, I have often thought of you and wondered how you were doing. Thank you for the update. I'm just sorry that you have been through so much. I wish you the best of luck with the new journey.

And I will still hold up hope that you will have your own child.

At 9:10 PM, Blogger OvaGirl said...

Dear chee chee

Such a late comment to your last post but was horrified to read of what you have been through. I hope that life is brightening for you and that this year holds joy in store.

Good luck xx

At 4:00 AM, Blogger Thalia said...

Wonderign how you are doing and hoping things are a bit easier for you. I hope 2009 is a good year.

At 5:32 PM, Blogger Lens79 said...

you are a brave woman! and you did the right thing! xoxo


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