Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bored out of my gourd

Well the long weekend is now over and I'm back to sitting at my office computer (full time) as opposed to sitting at my home computer (part time). (BTW -- all of this sitting around is not doing anything positive for my butt, but that is a different post.) I am employed by a telecom company and review/negotiate agreements for a living. Yep, its just as exciting as it sounds. Think reviewing your real estate sales contract or rental agreement 500 times for five years! "Can we keep the refrigerator?" you might ask or "What if we break the lease, do we pay a penalty?" Except, now pretend that you are now negotiating the sale of telecom equipment rather than the rental or sale of your home (you didn't think it could get any less interesting, did you?). Well that is all of the glam stuff. Sorry, when I said I was an attorney, were you expecting Susan Day and Blaire Underwood - LA Law style courtroom drama? Not for this gal! I've given you all of the legal highlights! In fact, last week an admin in our office told me that I had the worse job here. Well, gee thanks!

I am a mere 26 days shy of my 5th anniversary with this company. We have gone through corporate restructuring, layoffs, pay reductions and downturns in the market. Yet, I am still here. And it's painful some days to get up and drag my aforementioned butt into the office. So why stay? Surely there must be countless opportunities for me out there? There are several perks about my current job - (1) limited supervision, that's right, at the moment I have the freedom to write in my blog with only the limited possibility of interruption; (2) convenience -- I live 15 minutes (I got here in 11 minutes today) from my office! How many individuals can make that claim? I am also only about 10 minutes away from the RE's office (and nope, they still haven't called back, see cyst post.) How great is that; (3) flexibility -- I pretty much walk in here between 9:30 and 9:50 am most mornings and no one bats an eye. (This is super for early morning ultrasounds and blood work); (4) confidence -- I know what I am doing b/c I've done it hundreds of times before; (5) stability -- I've been here forever, by today's standards anyway, who will know my job better than me; and finally (6) insurance coverage -- I began visiting my RE in January and so far I have paid a mere $10 per visit! That's a bargain.

What about excitement, challenges, enthusiasm, professional fulfillment? Not here! Other than being a mom, what would I do if I could do anything? Maybe I'd be an airplane pilot or a racecar driver (no wait, those are my 8 year old stepson's career aspirations). Maybe I'd be a therapist and counsel people like me, a tad off kilter but harmless and fun to be around. Or maybe I can sell my one of a kind homemade quilts? Who am I kidding, no one appreciates homemade gifts anymore. I'm almost 35 (in August, gasp!) and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Yikes, I'm in trouble. I guess I'd better stay put.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Back to the business at hand

It seems that my dear friend "Uber" has gotten another couple to host the co-ed shower. I am sooo happy. I really wasn't able to deal with it. I am struggling to feel happy for her instead of just feeling bitter and jealous about our situation.

One wise RESOLVE warrior woman told me that she really tries to separate her IF from other women's successes. She said - it's not like some women's abilities to get and stay pregnant is directly related to our inability to do so. She's right, they aren't taking our babies away (at least, I don't think there's a shortage) . . . but I still struggle with it. I have an easier time cheering the pregnancies of my previously IF sisters (many of whom are merely cybersisters, at that) than I do that of some of my closest friends. Well, I never said I was a great person. But I'm working on it.

On with the struggle . . .

Friday, May 27, 2005

Showers for Baby Uber

How could a seemingly intelligent infertile women allow herself to get roped into hosting a baby shower? Well my uberfertile soon-to-be-40 best friend got pregnant a week or two after her wedding. Great for her! Meanwhile David and I are nearing the 2 year mark trying to conceive without even a positive HPT (home pregnancy test, to the uninitiated) to our credit. So when uberfertile's colleague volunteered to host a baby shower for her, I thought, excellent, one less thing for me to worry about. But right after the initial planning stage of shower # 1 (all female b/c he didn't want co-ed) had ended, spouse of uberfertile decides that he now wants a couples' shower. So what do they do? Uber asks me -- the best friend, matron of honor, overall sap to host shower #2. (BTW -- may I ask, how many showers does one imminently arriving baby need?) Now I, like many infertiles, would almost rather be subjected to Chinese water torture before even attending a baby shower, much less hosting one at my home. But as a dear friend, I felt I simply couldn't say no. Yeah, I'm a sucker.

So now I have spent the last several weeks trying to subtly extricate myself (and David) from this predicament. David has offered to call spouse of uberfertile for a man to man chat. I declined this offer, assuming I could handle it myself. How wrong I was. We have now received 3 draft guest lists for invitations, the last contained over 55 names. No, we are not Mr. and Mrs. J. R. Ewing and we do not live at South Fork. We simply cannot accommodate such a large number of people. Not to mention the fact that uberfertile is well aware that we have been trying now for ages, without success, and receiving (sometimes, see cyst post) infertility treatment. And anyway, who asks someone to host a party for them???? Better yet, who asks their infertile friend to host a second baby shower?!?!? Ann Landers would be appalled.

Well I have proposed a few alternate sites, only to have spouse of uberfertile shot them down. Get a clue! But today, it seems that my reticence plus David's man to man chat with Mr. Uber have finally brought our message home. I believe that in a few short hours I will be free of this unpleasant and unwanted task. (They have asked a few other suckers, opps - I mean friends, if they will host babyfest #2).

And I have learned a very valuable lesson -- I should have said "no' when given that option. For that I have only myself to blame. I will now always remember -- it's easier to say 'no' than to un-say 'yes.'

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Revenge of the Cyst

What's a gal gotta do to get some attention from the RE's office?!?!?

I have called my nurse twice with a number of questions about how to proceed from here. First, it took her days to return my calls (it routinely takes her days to return calls) and then she promised that the RE would call me. The RE has never called me . . . this may be too much to hope for.

To refresh your memory (as if there is anyone out there reading) when I left off, I mentioned that I have been benched for the second consecutive cycle due to cysts on my ovaries. So my questions to RN include -- what do we do if the cysts keep coming back? Should I try Chinese herbs? A number of my fellow Resolve warrior women have either been given birth control pills or had a laparoscopy to remove cysts. Will that be our game plan? Honestly, I have about 8 questions and a couple are 2 and 3 parters, so I will not go into all the detail here. Suffice it to say, I need answers now!

There is nothing worse than feeling completely powerless to change your situation. So if I don't get some answers by midday, I will have to resume pestering everyone who will listen.

Stay tuned . . .

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Welcome to My Blog

I can't believe that I am joining the 21st century with my own blog! Unfortuately, I have decided to create this blog as an outlet to express my hope, fear, frustration and anger with the infertility process.

Here's a bit of history about us. David (name changed to protect the innocent) and I were married in April 2002. We agreed that we'd wait one year before trying to have a child so that we could settle into married life for a while. On our first anniversary, we decided to wait a couple of additional months and by August 2003, we conducted our ceremonial "throwing away of the birth control pills."

I went to my primary care provider and got a physical. I met with my OB/Gyn who advised me that since I had been on the pill for a few years, it might take a couple of months for the hormones to get out my system. I figured why wait, I downloaded ovulation calendars from the web and started planning our "activities" accordingly. Nothing happened in the first few months but I assumed that by November or December 2003, we would be ovulating regularly and ready to go for sure. Well, no pregnancy in 2003 but it was ok b/c I knew that it could take as long as a year maybe more. Yet in order to be proactive, I purchased a few fertility/ preparing for pregnancy books. And in January 2004, I purchased my first ovulation predictor kit. We used it while traveling that January and of course, I got a + indication of ovulation but no pregnancy later that cycle.

Between working, purchasing a new home, helping a girlfriend plan her wedding, the next couple of months seemed to sort of slip by without much effort in the baby making department (although no contraception either). Once things settled down, I was back to my OPKs with a vengence. Still nothing. So in August 2004, we went back to OB/Gyn for more tests. A year or so before, we had learned that I have a few small uterine fibroids. Since they don't seem to be obstructing anything, OB/Gyn suggested that we leave them alone in order to avoid potential scaring/ damage to my uterus. The battery of tests in 2004 indicated that I have clear tubes, a regular cycle and normal hormone levels and we even had a normal post coital test. We were sent us back to the drawing board. In December 2004, we had our first abnormal post coital test. OB/Gyn sent us off to the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

We met RE in January 2005. He conducted additional tests but things seemed ok. RE recommended that we try three medicated intrauterine insemination (IUI) cycles. After sitting out a month for insurance approval, we had our first medicated cycles in March. No luck. After my period arrived, it was back to RE's office to begin the next cycle. On day 3 of my cycle, RE conducts a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork to confirm that it is ok to begin a treatment cycle. Unfortuately, in April I had a cyst on my left ovary. We were benched, meaning they will not prescribe fertility meds if you have a estrogen producing cyst. It was back to OPKs, taking my temperature every morning and timed intercourse. I even began acupuncture. Sadly, my period (AF) arrived on schedule as usual. So it was back to RE's office in May to begin a second round of treatments. This time the day 3 tests indicated that I now have 2 estrogen producing cysts. At least something inside of me is reproducing . . . Not quite.

So here we are awaiting a second treatment cycle, trying timed intercourse . . . still trying to conceive.