Is it worth it?

I find myself sitting at the computer today, surrounded by piles of paper, somewhat sore from injections asking the question – Is it all worth it?

I arrived at Ginormous Fertility Clinic this morning, only to be greeted by a trainee (we’ll call her, Newbie) behind the wheel of the dildo cam. Ok, I’ll play along, I thought, everyone has to learn somehow (grant it, I’d prefer that they learn on someone else, perhaps an unsuspecting fertile in need of an exam). Her technique left much to be desired but Techie J was there and she permitted Newbie to get some driving time in without allowing her to steer me off the road.

Eventually, Techie J assumed control and started counting and measuring follicles. She told me that I had nine, 3 on the right and 6 on the left. I began feeling relieved, perhaps this was working (9 somehow seemed much better than 7). But when I examined the screen while Techie J was measuring follicles, I grew concerned. It was obvious that one or two follicles looked very large and many of the others were quite small. I mentioned this to Techie J, who confirmed my observations about the size differentials. She informed me that she could not give me exact measurements until the machine spit them out.

Well, shortly thereafter, out it spat. 1 – 15.5mm, 1- 11mm, 1- 9.4 and the remaining six were between 5 and 6. Not so fabulous for IVF. So I asked Techie J what we should do about the size differentials and she couldn’t answer. She simply told me that I’d be receiving instructions later in the afternoon and then she and Newbie left me on the table, staring at my measurement printout. As you might imagine, I am still staring at it now.

Around lunchtime I received a call from the Nurse instructing me to take my Menopur and Follistim and advising me of the dosages. I was also instructed to return to the office on Wednesday for the next round of monitoring. When I asked about my little lead follicle problem and questioned her on our next steps due to the fact that the majority of the follicles are so small, she mentioned the letters -- I.U.I.

It was at this point that my mind went blank. I didn’t ask about my e2 levels, I didn’t say much else. I kind of wanted to yell – I.U.I?!!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IUI? ARE YOU AWARE THAT I HAVE ONLY ONE TUBE AND IT IS QUITE LIKELY BLOCKED AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A HYDRO???? I kind of felt like reaching into the phone and shaking her (kind of the way Jimmy Steward did in “It’s a W*nderful Life” when Uncle Billy lost all of the Building & Loan’s deposit money. *)

In the end, I just calmly listened to her instructions, repeated the dosages and hung up the phone. I have spent much of the day googling “lead follicles” and “small follicles” and IVF, to little avail. So I am now left with the question – Is it worth it? If this cycle is cancelled b/c I have fewer than the requisite four mature follicles to proceed with egg retrieval, would it have been worth it? If this cycle is a bust after day after day of injections (and nary an egg to show for it), what do we do next? Will I want to begin again knowing that the next try may merely yield the same result? How far am I willing to go with this? Maybe I am simply not meant to have my own biological child. I really don’t know what my answers are to these questions but I have the next couple of days to think them over.


*This happens to be my favorite movie and if you are unfamiliar with it, it’s great to rent around the holidays. In this particular scene, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, realizes that his absentminded uncle has lost all of their businesses’ money. He fears that they will be ruined, that his life is over and he’s headed to jail, he grabs Uncle Billy and shakes him asking him “What do you mean you lost the money, you stupid old fool?”