Good Night, Ladies, Part II

This should be my last post. My infertility journey has come to an end. David has sent me divorce papers. I got a call from Fed Ex - he forwarded them to the wrong address. He has never been to my apartment in New City and addressed the package incorrectly. Maybe it is just his way of putting off the inevitable. I have tried to do the same thing. I have yet to visit an attorney, I have made no move to finally slam the door shut, but it has.

Maybe in some ways infertility and separation are similar. They both isolate you from your friends and are totally difficult to make others understand. They are both characterized by feelings of failure and loss. They both leave you feeling drained.

On the positive side, I have found a real sense of freedom. People have told me that I am brave and strong. I don't know about that. I just know that I have been through the darkest period of my life, a time of great pain, sickness, depression and anger and I am here on the other side.

There have been times when I have strolled down the street on a Sunday afternoon and thought this should be our family time - time for our little family to be together. Times when I have heard a sad song about pleading and love and have felt my eyes begin to fill. There are times when we talk about the end of us and it breaks my heart.

And yet, I come and go and don't seek approval. I don't cower, I don't fear the weight of someone else misery. I am not constantly waiting for the next fight, the next disappointment, the next apology . . . There is an easiness about life now. I have given up everything from my home, to my career, spouse. My whole life has shifted and I feel alright. A little bruised and blooded but better, stronger and at greater peace than I've had in years.

I think I have just another post or two left. I know it should be my last post but I want to address my feelings about infertility and the ever growing possibility that at age 37, gyno problems galore and at the end of my marriage, children of my own are an unlikely possibility at best. Well - I have to address that, after all, wasn't that what this blog was really all about?

Good Night, Ladies

After having been away for so long, it's kinda hard to know where to begin. Some may recall that I removed my last post about our very sad failed attempt at an ET. A few may even remember that my husband and I fought the day before our scheduled ET and he refused to accompany me to the procedure the next day. My doctor was kind enough to postpone the ET but David and I were unable to resolved our problems. Hurt and weary, I left my home and fled the country. I went away to visit my parents. While out of the country, I learned that our embroyos never made it to freeze. After all of the drugs and the tears and the hope and the pain, it had been a complete and utter waste.

Of course, how long can one hide from the world and their problems? After much love and TLC, I returned to the States and David and I attempted to rebuild our fragile relationship. Sadly, the counselor, the prayers and heart to hearts didn't work. I simply could not continue. We contemplated separation in September. I put the house on the market in November, David moved out soon after Thanksgiving and before the New Year the house had been sold. I was offered a position with a new company in another city and relocated in mid-January. I have officially begun a new life.

David and I still call each other. Sometimes those calls leave me filled with sadness, but somehow without regret. I have decided to begin again without the bags that were weighing me down, somewhat tired but tougher and stronger for having been through so much.

Marriage Meltdown

Thanks for all of your expressions of concern. Nope, I wasn't hit by a bus on the way to transfer, not literally anyhow.

On Tuesday night, David and I had a total marriage meltdown - the day before the transfer. We yelled, we argued, I shoved. He expressed concern about my feelings for his son and how he'd be affected by our offspring. He panicked. He told me to either do the transfer or not but he wouldn't be there. We stopped speaking. I felt completely abandoned and I didn't know what to do.

I called Ginormous on the morning of the transfer and told Dr. L what was happening. Should we contemplate having a child, while possibly, simultaneously, contemplating divorce? I cried. Dr. L said that we had 2 pretty good embryos, an ok one and a not-so-good one. He offered us the option of doing a day 4 transfer and the option of speaking with one of their counselors. I accepted on both counts. I spoke with the counselor for a while, with no resolution. I spoke with my therapist and my best friend and got some advice. I confronted David on Wednesday evening, with the hope of brokering a compromise to get us to transfer. Despite my attempt at a resolution, he had nothing to say about the embryos, no questions about whether I had gone through with the transfer and continued ignoring me. At that point, I knew it was over.

Supernurse called me on Thursday morning to confirm that we were proceeding with the day 4 transfer. I told her that I'd decided to cancel and asked that the embryos be frozen. I broke down and wept. Dr. L called later that day and he said that I'd probably made the right decision, given the circumstances. He also mentioned that if the embryos didn't make it to blast/freeze, they probably wouldn't have successfully implanted and made it to term. He said that he would have suggested transferring 3 of the 4 embryos - as our best chance of success. He expressed regret about the cycle, given all of the difficulty we'd had. He mentioned that years ago another couple he'd been treating cancelled on the day before transfer. I asked if they'd ever returned for treatment and he said they never had.

I was both furious and heartbroken. With a brief email informing David of my departure, I flew out of the country on Saturday morning and am currently visiting my parents. (My parents' internet access has been down until today.) My parents have given me their full and unconditional love and support. Since I've been down here, David has called. He initially expressed anger about my unannounced and abrupt departure but ultimately expressed his hope that I return and that we try to work things out. I return to the States on Saturday. I am still sad, angry, hurt and raw. I think this offense is almost unforgivable, especially since he's been encouraging me to get treatments and he convinced me to proceed with this cycle, despite my reservations. I don't know what we'll do or how I want to proceed. Divorce is a sad option but where do we go from here? Counseling? How long am I willing to wait?

Lastly, I received my final fert report on Monday morning - none of the embryos made it to freeze.

An Awesome Foursome

Supernurse called me around 2:00pm today and informed me that of our six eggs, 5 were mature and 4 embryos continue to develop today. She will call again tomorrow with our updated fertilization report and instructions about the Day 3 transfer. It's amazing to think that we have four potential lives growing in a lab. The wonder of it humbles me.

Six

Today's egg retrieval went pretty well. We arrived at Ginormous at 6am. The nurse checked my id and led us to the procedures area. We were taken to the first bed station and I was asked to undress and slip on a lovely hospital gown. An IV was started, questions were asked, information about the procedure, ET, and meds were passed along. Then I was told to empty my bladder and was led to the OR. David was taken to a separate waiting area and subsequently asked to produce his sample.

Ours was the first retrieval this morning and proceeded without incident. One moment I was being seated in the OR and the next I was being awakened in our little station. I was told that Dr. T had retrieved six eggs and that I will receive our first fertilization report tomorrow around lunchtime. Dr. L mentioned that, if all goes well, he is leaning toward a 3 day transfer (Wednesday).

This is the farthest we've ever gotten and I'm nervous, excited and scared. Will this actually work? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

The Case of the Disappearing Follicles

This cycle has just raced by. Given the megadoses of stims that I have taken, my follicles have grown very quickly. Unfortunately, they have not grown at a uniform pace. At yesterday's monitoring appointment (Day 8 of stims), I had eight follicles between 12.3 mm and 25.2 mm. Unfortunately, only three are in the 17.1-17.8 range. THREE! The rest are under 16 or over 23mm. I am really worried that all but three follicles will yield overly mature or immature eggs. And even though we are ICSI'ing those little eggies, we don't seem to have much room for error.

I am also concerned that a couple of follicles have seemed to have vanished for no particular reason.

• On Wednesday, we had ten follicles between 9.5 and 19.7 mm.
• On Thursday, I had nine follicles between 10.9 and 22.9 mm.
• By Friday, we were down to just eight follicles.

My questions are - WHERE ARE THE FOLLICLES GOING? WHY DO THEY SEEM TO BE HIDING???

I have had the same technician perform all of my u/s and when I asked both the technician and Dr. L what could account for my diminishing follicle count, I was told that often the smaller ones reabsorb. Also, I was told that the smaller ones aren't measured every day. However, the ones that have vanished weren't small, I had an 18 mm vanish between Thursday morning and Friday morning. Why is this happening???? With such a small output, I don't have the luxury of losing any mature follicles.

I can only assume that one of the following is happening - they are measuring endometrioma and mistakenly, assuming they are follicles. Perhaps, as they get larger, it is easier to determine that they aren't follicles. This isn't a good theory, b/c if they are mistaking endometrioma for follicles, I might have even fewer good follicles than we think. My other theory is that perhaps given the position of my ovaries and the endometrioma, it is not always apparent where the follicles are, so that one or two may be more difficult to find from one day to the next. If this is the case, we may be pleasantly surprised by an extra egg or two tomorrow. I hope really hope the latter is the case.

At 7pm yesterday, David triggered me without incident. This morning David, Jerry (9 yo stepson) and I ran some errands. Since returning home, David has been downstairs cooking up a storm and has banished me to the bedroom to nap. I am really tired today. I am not sure why I am so tired, but I can only assume that it is b/c my ovaries are in overdrive! This evening, David will drop Jerry off with his mom. (Obviously, no kids allowed tomorrow.)

Tomorrow morning at 6am, we are scheduled to arrive at Ginormous for my first egg retrieval scheduled for 7am. Dr. L informed me that he will not be doing my ER but assured me that all of his colleagues are extremely experienced and that I have nothing to worry about. OKAY! I'm not worried. (Yeah, right.)

So wish us luck. We are hoping for some good news.

Quick Update

Today's monitoring appointment went pretty well. It was my sixth day of stims (I also began taking Ganirelix on Monday to prevent early ovulation). I had ten follicles ranging in size from 9.5-19.7 mm, the majority of which are in the 11-14 range. Dr. L suggested that I continue to stim tonight, return to the office tomorrow. I suggested that I would trigger on Friday night and do my retrieval on Sunday. He realizes that the larger follicles (17.6 and 19.7) will most likely produce overly mature eggs on Sunday but he hopes that the small to medium sized follicles will yield a few good eggs.

I'm hoping for the best.