Hiding out

I have spent much of the last couple of weeks in hiding. I haven't responded to many emails, phone calls and I've been neglecting my blog and those of my fellow bloggers. I am so sorry. I have been in a very low place. I have been to multiple doctors' appointments - Dr. L reviewed my HSG results and said that I don't have a hydro and suggested that we could proceed with the IVF cycle. A radiologist, at an independent lab that Dr. NHB recommended, suggested that, based on her view of my u/s and my description of the HSG, I may have a hydro. I am assuming that Dr. L is correct about the HSG/hydro and that we shouldn't worry about the weird fluid. One concern out of the way . . . sort of.

The next issue is the pain. I am still having back pain, cramping and nausea. I had hoped that these issues would have resolved themselves by now but they haven't. I spoke with Dr. L about my concerns and he agreed that it might be a good idea to postpone the IVF cycle until I'm feeling up to it, maybe for a month or two. He suggested that I have Dr. NHB address any pain and gyno issues since an IF clinic isn't equipt to do it. I am hoping that I'll be feeling up to cycling soon. I don't want to begin an IVF cycle while I'm taking painkillers daily. I think that things will only get worse while I'm stimming.

So I finished my BCPs yesterday. I didn't take any Lupron and I won't be starting stims by the end of this week. I am having my kidneys checked, blood and urine tested, being X-rayed and am hoping that my health issue will be resolved soon. Personally, I think the issue is the endo and if that's the problem, I'm not sure how to solve it. I am trying to meet with an endo specialist or two. If anyone has a suggestion in the DC or NY areas, I'd really appreciate it.

I've felt like I am running around in circles with no hope of finding my way out. I feel like everyday brings another frustration, another delay, more hesitation. I hate living this way. I feel like we'll never get to my sweet baby. NEVER. Maybe it just isn't in the cards for us.

Down in the Dumps

I had my HSG yesterday. It showed that the dye was loculated (meaning that it collected into a puddle in one area of my fallopian tube). I dropped the films off with the receptionist at the Fertility Center. I will just have to wait until Monday to hear Dr. L's opinion about this new tubal issue.

I also feel like crap - physically. I'm feeling crampy and PMSy everyday. I keep hoping that I'll feel better. For the past week or so, I wake up in the mornings feeling ok but by afternoon my lower back hurts, I'm having weird spotting (yep, prior to the HSG). I don't think I've been 100% since the lap. I'm just dragging around like a 90 year old woman (in poor health). I am taking Aleve everyday. I don't know if I am physically able to proceed with IVF, even if Dr. L gives us the green light.

Sorry for being such a downer. If you were looking for sunshine and rainbows, you've come to the wrong blog.

Body Slammed

I just returned from my mock embryo transfer. I had hoped that I would return with great news that we are moving forward, full steam ahead. Unfortunately, Dr. L did not say things like "Everything looks great!" and "Gosh, what a lovely future home this will be for some future embryos." Instead he said "What is this?" and "When is your HSG scheduled for?" and "Please make sure they give you copies of the films from the HSG."

Dr. L seems to think he was seeing a mass floating around in there, perhaps another HYDROSALPINX! Are you kidding me? Could this actually be happening? I fear that we are teetering dangerously close to needing another lap and the removal of my remaining tube. I just can't take it.

Besides, the HSG was normal last September! Normal, I tell you!!! How can it be that I went from having seemingly normal tubes last fall to having one possibly, two hydrosalpinx less than a year later!!!! Can an HSG definitely indicate the presense of a hydrosalpinx? What the f*&%k?????

Dr. L also noted that "There is a lot of endo still in there." This is amazing. I knew that Dr. NHB hadn't been able to remove all of the endo. What I didn't know was that they can actually see endo in an u/s, especially since I have had many many u/s and were it not for the presense of the endometrioma, no one would have ever diagnosed the endometriosis prior to the lap. This makes me wonder why the endometriosis wasn't diagnosed months ago! Why are we just now seeing endo when clearly it was there all along.

I am frustrated, angry and fed up by this whole process. I'll post again after Friday's HSG.

Unceremonious Resumption of the Pill

When David and I got married way back in 2002, we talked about children, how many we'd have, how soon we'd begin trying, etc. Like many couples, we agreed on a timeline that worked for us. We decided that we'd begin trying after being married for a little more than a year. And so, in August 2003, we performed our own little ceremony. We called it the "Ceremonial Tossing of the Pills." We held hands, looked into each other's eyes, said a few words and threw my birth control pills away. We were making a pact to embark on a great journey into parenthood together, both ready to move forward and embrace our bright future.

Well, dear reader, you know what came next. I got a physical to make sure that I was healthy, getting my blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol checked. I continued working out and tried eating even more healthily. I purchased both Taking Charge of Your Fertility and Before Your Pregnancy - A 90 Day Guide for Couples on How to Prepare for a Healthy Conception. We went from spontaneous intercourse to timed intercourse. I tried charting, ovulation predictors, etc. We went from the Gyn for tests to the RE for more tests. Many of you are quite familiar with what followed, an unsuccessful medicated IUI, a lap and now IVF.

So that pretty much brings everyone up to date. Yesterday Nurse Mindy and I spoke and she gave me the go ahead to begin taking birth control pills. So friends, tomorrow morning will mark the first of my 21 days of birth control pills, as part of the suppression phase of our IVF cycle. It will lack the fanfare of our Tossing of the Pill Ceremony but, hopefully, it will lead us one step closer to our eventual goal of having a child together. Nurse Mindy and I talked about my protocol - 21 days of BCPs, Lupron on days 19-21 of BCPs and continuing until I go in for day 2 testing. And then around October 27th or 28th, I will begin taking stims. Hopefully, I'll have lots of mature follies after 10 days of stimming and, "knock on wood," you know the rest.

My next visit to the RE's office will be on Monday morning for a mock embryo transfer. It's my understanding that this should be a relatively painless procedure, sort of a dry run, for a real embryo transfer.

I guess this means that we are really getting started. I am not sure whether to feel excited or scared, anxious or weary. I so hope that this works. So very, very much.